Jay: Gloria's just adjusting to me being around more. We're on top of each other... and not in a good way.
Mitchell: Oh, fun. I was hoping your sex life would come up. Look, Dad, remodels are tense. Half the divorces I do start with a remodel. Or an underwear model.

Jay: Mitchell, there's a pile of little orange hairs on your keyboard. You're picking your eyebrows again. Like you did when I put you in Little League.

Mitchell: I'm buried under work. And Cam's sister is the worst influence on Lily. But I-I can't yell at her because she's a sopping mess. So, you know, who am I supposed to yell at? My husband, who needs a machine to breathe?
Jay: Well, you better find yourself an outlet. That's why I have scotch and golf and cigars. Otherwise, I'd be a raging jackass.
Waitress: We're out of rye.
Jay: Then bake some!
Mitchell: [picking eyebrows] Can you please not yell at the woman who's bringing us our food?
Jay: Stop that. That's gross! It's like a fox ran across the table.

Phil: Ba-ba-ba! Out of that trance! We're going to France!

Claire: Why are you still awake?
Alex: I'm too excited to sleep. I'm studying Big Bang nucleosynthesis. Well, more specifically the total Baryonic matter in the universe. Let's go back. Dark matter and dark energy make up 95% of all of the matter in the-
Phil: No! Go away!
Claire: Stop!

Claire: [aside to camera] We needed help.
Phil: And no surprise, first entry on howtostayawake.net: coffee.

Pam: Alls I'm saying is, if you're lucky enough to get this boy Ryan you like, you hold on with both hands. 'Cause once he's gone, you're nothing.
Cameron: Okay, you don't really mean that.
Pam: I don't know what I mean. I'm just a woman running her fool mouth off.
Cameron: Okay, not exactly the message of empowerment we'd like to impart to our 21st-century daughter.
Lily: What's a Demerol shooter?

Gloria: Damn it! Why didn't I close that door so you didn't get stuck like Manny's gerbil in the glue trap?!
Manny: But you said he ran away.
Gloria: Yes, most of him did.

Gloria: Okay, I just have to smooth this out so that Jay doesn't notice anything.
Manny: You're really going through a lot of trouble to hide this from him.
Gloria: You just don't understand. This is the first time in a fight that I was 100% right and Jay was 100% wrong. That never happens.
Manny: And being right is so important?
Gloria: Get married and then get back to me.

Mitchell: So, a karaoke bar, huh? [chuckles] You know, it's a little offensive that you think singing a pop song is gonna solve my problems. How gay do you think I am?
Jay: Mitchell! Madonna! ["Express Yourself" begins]
Mitchell: Oh! Yeah. Okay. [music stops]
Jay: Well, come on! When you were stressed out as a kid, you used to dance and sing Madonna in the living room. Fixed you right up.
Mitchell: Ah, I'm not surprised. You think I haven't changed at all in 25 years.
Jay: If you were surprised, I wouldn't know it, since you've plucked out all your eyebrows.