Mitchell: You know what, Dad? You have been really bossy tonight. With me, with that waitress. I-I bet that's why you and Gloria are having problems. Yeah. You miss bossing people around at work, so now you're doing it at home.
Jay: If I admitted there was some truth in that, could you just give in? You've been grinding around like Lola Falana.

Mitchell: I don't know why this is so important to you.
Jay: Can you just let me help you?!
Mitchell: Okay, I'm doing this, but only because you need it so much. [singing] Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it. And it goes something like this. Don't go for second best, baby Put your love to the test You know, you know...

Jay: [aside to camera] Watching Mitchell, I did feel kind of good about fixing his problem. Now, being retired, you don't always feel useful anymore. It's probably why I keep tearing up that bathroom. I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing to admit to Gloria. Eh, it'll probably blow over.

Andy: Gambling is the best! You hand your hard-earned money to strangers and pray it comes back.

Cameron: Pameron Jessica Tucker, where do you think you're going?
Pam: Home. To get down on my knees and beg Bo to come back. I'm just gonna lie and tell him I'm pregnant.

Cameron: You really want Lily to think women are weak?!
Lily: Get off my daddy! You're acting this crazy all over a boy?!
Cameron: Oh, Lily, I'm so happy to hear you say that! Now, pull Aunt Pameron's bra strap!

Haley: Wow, this is more reading than I did in my three years at a two-year college.
Andy: I'm thinking chili dog, just like Pops - may he rest in peace - bought me at my first baseball game. May I be frank? We have a wiener.
Haley: Oh, that's so weirdly sweet. And it's so cute how your hair never moves. It's like a LEGO.