Pam: It's the least I could do, since you'uns opened your home to me for I don't know how many weeks now.
Mitchell: [whispers] Three.
Pam: I just don't get it. How could he leave me?
Cameron: I know.
Pam: I'm pretty. There's nothing I won't let him do in the b-e-d.
Mitchell: [covering Lily's ears] Hey, sweetheart, you're such a big eater, aren't ya, huh?

Tom: Hey, I know you! Coachella, dancing on top of my van.
Haley: No, I just have one of those faces that-
Tom: It's Haley, right?
Andy: Haley, would you like to introduce us?
Haley: Um, okay. Andy, my boyfriend, this is-
Tom: Tom.
Haley: Tom.
Andy: TomTom. Is that Cherokee?

Haley: [aside to camera] Honestly, I've been kind of ready for Wild Haley to chuck her party pumps in the trash. Or give them to charity, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. But if that's one of the things that Andy liked about me, I wasn't gonna shut it down.

Claire: I just have to approve this proposal. I've been working on it all week.
Phil: [cellphone dings] Oh my God.
Claire: That's right. Sun never sets on Mama's empire.
Phil: No, remember the travel app we signed up for that gives you the last-minute deals? Huh? Three nights in Paris, first-class airfare, four-star hotel for basically nothing. The flight leaves at noon tomorrow. We have five minutes to answer.
Claire: Wait. You're not seriously considering this, are you?
Phil: It's kind of the deal of the century. Plus, we'd only miss one day of work. Haley's with Andy. Luke's on a ski trip.
Alex: I don't matter.

Claire: Oh, sweetie, by the time we got there, we would be so messed up on the time change, we would just wander around in, like, a nauseous fog.
Alex: Or you could just force yourselves to stay up all night tonight, then sleep on the plane tomorrow, and then when you land in Paris, your morning will be Paris' morning.
Phil: There we go! Lucky for us, the smart one's home.
Claire: It's such a sweet idea, but I am so tired from work this week. What is more energizing than springtime in Paris? Baguettes baking, mimes miming, skunks in love.
This is what life is. C'est la vie, right?
Alex: Nope.
Phil: Joie de vivre.
Alex: Better.

Jay: [aside to camera] I retired. I needed a little project. So I decided to redo our master bathroom.
Gloria: Yeah, if only someone had told you that it was going to be harder and longer than it looked on YouTube. Oh, wait!

Jay: If you just followed the simple bathroom schedule I posted in two places in English and Spanish-
Gloria: Yes, who does that? Who puts a schedule up for their family?
Jay: Uh, don't go in there.
Gloria: I need to get my vanishing cream. I can't find it.
Jay: Must've worked.

Haley: Did you drink that while it was still on fire?
Andy: It's an old habit. It's how I used to eat my marshmallows.

Clint: Haley, I'll give you 20 bucks to make out with Bianca.
Haley: 20 bucks?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: So, Bianca's a smoker. Didn't love that. Or the wandering hands. But it's all a part of the Wild Haley experience.

Jay: [aside to camera] I can't sleep when I'm angry. Never could. And there's something very wrong with people who can.