Mitchell: Okay, Luke, look, I don't know how much Cam told you, but I don't think this is a problem that you can help me with.
Luke: Okay, good. I've got my own problem.
Mitchell: What? What's that?
Luke: Can you keep a secret?
Mitchell: I kept a pretty big one for 22 years, so...

Phil: Jay. I want to talk to you about that son-in-law crack you made at breakfast.
Jay: Oh, I didn't mean anything by that.
Phil: I think you did. I get that I wasn't your first choice to marry Claire, but it's been 18 years, and there hasn't been a day when I wasn't a loyal husband to your daughter and a great dad to your grandkids. So if we've still got a problem, now it's your problem.

Mitchell: Okay, it's clear.
Luke: After this, we're gonna have some angry birds.
Mitchell: Yeah. It's gonna be "Bye Bye Birdie." It's a big musical from the '60s. No. Forget it. What you said.

Mitchell: Cam, I did a boy thing! I blew up the birdhouse! You should have seen it. It was so awesome.
Cameron: That's great!
Mitchell: Yeah. I think I can do this. I mean, maybe not everything and maybe not right away, and not the three stooges-
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: I do. I want a son. I'm sorry I panicked.
Cameron: Oh, that's great. Now maybe we can go back to taking pictures for the book.
Mitchell: Yes! Pictures of me blowing up stuff!
Cameron: Okay, I see we've overcorrected.

Claire: I know you think I'm the mean mom who wouldn't let you marry your boyfriend, but someday you're gonna realize, I-I did what had to be done.
Haley: No, you didn't. I was never gonna marry Dylan. I told him no.
Claire: Oh, you did? Thank God.
Haley: But it was my proposal to turn down. You know, you keep telling me to act like an adult, but then you don't even give me a chance.
Claire: Oh. You sort of got me there. But, sweetheart, I don't expect you to understand this. I certainly didn't when I was your age. I look at you as my baby, and I always will. It's- I's just what moms do.

Gloria: Dylan! Dylan!
Hank: You got a voice like a meadowlark, don't ya?
Gloria: Dylan!
Hank: Yeah, I sure am worried about that kid.
Gloria: Dylan! He ain't down there.
Hank: Oh, come on now. You come up here for the cowboy experience. You're looking at him.
Gloria: Do I look like the kind of woman that would cheat on her husband?
Hank: Yes.
Gloria: Really?
Jay: Hey! I think you better move away from that woman.
Phil: Only we touch our women when they don't want us to.

Hank: Easy. Easy there, friend-o. I wasn't hitting on this filly. This is all part of the package. If I didn't play the bad guy, he wouldn't get to ride up and be the big hero.
Gloria: He doesn't need you to make him a hero. He's a hero every day.
Jay: Why don't you do us all a favor? Get back on your horse, ride down to the lodge and tell 'em- Can you keep him still? I'm trying to make a point.

Phil: Wait. Wait. There's something I wanna say to you. I will only be checking "somewhat satisfied" on our comment card.
Jay: Jeez.
Phil: I mean, he was great with the kids.

Alex: I looked it up. The distance between our houses is 2,443 miles.
Jimmy: Yeah, but, you know, on some maps, it's like--pfft! This big.
Alex: God, you're stupid. [Alex kisses Jimmy]