Gloria: Jay! Is this like the lobster?! Do I get to pick one for dinner? Because this one looks very tender.

Hank: Look alive, Old-timer. One of your calves is getting away.
Jay: Hey, something's wrong with my horse. She's veering left. When this happened to my Uncle, it was a stroke.

Jay: She's veering left again. When we get back, I'm gonna see if she can track a pencil with her eyes.

Claire: No, I, um, I want you to know how glad I am that you're here.
Dylan: Really? 'Cause sometimes I just get this vibe you don't like me.
Claire: Oh. Dylan, no. I'm sorry. I-I like you. I-I like you a lot. I just- It's complicated because Haley's my daughter.
Dylan: Whoa. Whoa, whoa. You are totally a hot mom, but I can't do this.
Claire: Oh, my God. Okay, we- There's- No, no. I merely meant that I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcome.
Dylan: Whew! That would have been awkward.
Claire: So awkward.

Dylan: You know, but for the record, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire: Yes?
Dylan: If Haley wasn't my girlfriend-
Claire: Yeah.
Dylan: And Mr. Dunphy was out of the picture-
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Dylan: I would be honored to share your bed and raise Luke, Alex, and Haley as my own.
Claire: Okay. Good talk.

Mitchell: Cam, I'm sorry. Look, what if I can't do the father-son stuff? The hunting, the- The sports, the Three Stooges? You know what happens in real life when someone gets hit in the head with a ladder? They go to the hospital and they get an MRI. Never see that scene.
Cameron: I think you're overthinking this. You know, I love sports, I love the Stooges. We've got this covered.
Mitchell: No. No, you- You got it covered. But I'm just stuck on the sidelines, pretending to understand the rules, and... You know, my dad was a rough-and-tumble guy, and I just-- I could never relate to him. And I don't know. I just don't think I could handle disappointing two generations.
Cameron: I think you're more masculine than you give yourself credit for.
Mitchell: [gasps] Who puts a birdhouse next to a porch?

Jay: Phil, help me saddle my horse, will ya?
Phil: Well, look who's suddenly needed by his father-in-law. Phyllis. Phil is.

Luke: I've got this new firecracker, and I can't decide what to blow up.
Mitchell: Oh, Luke, that's dangerous.
Luke: I know. That's what's fun about it.
Mitchell: I don't get boys. What is so great about destroying things?
Luke: It turns stuff into flying chunks of stuff.

Haley: What do you mean, she hired you?
Dylan: I work here now.
Haley: S- So you're staying?
Dylan: Yeah.
Haley: What about us?
Dylan: It could never work. We're from two different worlds. You're a high school student, and I'm a ranch hand.

Phil: All in all, it was a great vacation. We may have lost a man But out there on the range, under that great big sky, we found a part of ourselves we never knew was there, just like the horny cowboy said we would.