Cameron: You are grounded for one month, Missy!
Mitchell: [hushed voice] We got the Cirque du Soleil tickets.
Cameron: Except for Cirque du Soleil!
Mitchell: And the Disneyland trip.
Cameron: And for Disneyland! But you are not going to Christina's slumber party tonight no matter how much
Mitchell: We have reservations at Cactus.
Cameron: Okay, Christina's slumber party is the last one for a while.

Joe: Laundry, right?
Claire: Oh, it never ends.
Joe: I heard that.

Joe: Happy Anniversary, by the way.
Claire: Thank you.
Joe: Did you get anything special for Phil?
[meanwhile:]
Luke: Kid's smooth like butter.
Phil: Just like I coached him.

Claire: I am very excited about the present I got for Phil. Come on over here. Come on closer. But you have to promise that you are not gonna tell anybody.
Phil: [outside] Talk to papa.
Claire: I don't want anybody else to hear what it is. It's a really good secret. And the present is [air horn blows]
Joe: Why would you do that?! My ears are still developing!

Jay: You must be Huevos!
Jorge: Jay! Pleasure. Jorge de la Selva. In English, it's George of the Jungle, so I stick with Spanish. Hey, who's got the great taste?
Manny: That would be me!
Jorge: Nice!
Jay: Uh, hello. So, you and Gloria you used to, uh...
Jorge: Yep.
Manny: [to Jay] Hey, so he was a little more handsome than you were expecting, but pull yourself together, man.

Ms. Wolfe: Now, fights are very common at Lily's age. I mean, so many parents ask me, "What happened to my sweet little kid," and I say, "that's puberty."
Mitchell: Puberty? Well, Lily's a little young for that, so-
Cameron: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What is this? The inner ear?
Ms. Wolfe: That is the female reproductive system.
Cameron: Oh.
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: Oops. Heh. I dropped the, uh... I want to say egg chute, but I know it's probably something more Latin-y.

Ms. Wolfe: I'm just saying that Lily may be self-conscious talking to men even her dads about certain female body issues. Did she tell you what the fight was about?
Mitchell: Yes. Obviously.
Cameron: Yes, we are a very open family. It's not like we wouldn't just not follow up.
Ms. Wolfe: And what did she tell you?
Mitchell: Uh, that a
Cameron: boy.
Ms. Wolfe: No.
Mitchell: Girl.
Ms. Wolfe: A girl tried to snap Lily's
Cameron: Finger!
Ms. Wolfe: Bra.
Mitchell: But Lily doesn't have a bra.
Ms. Wolfe: Exactly. And now she's getting teased, because unlike the other girls, she doesn't have a-
Cameron: Oh, just say it. A mom.
Ms. Wolfe: A bra.

Cameron: You don't think this is gon- gonna come up at the slumber party, do you?
Ms. Wolfe: Not Christina S's slumber party?
Cameron: Yes.
Ms. Wolfe: Oh, God. She single handedly sent our lunch lady back to rehab. I would strongly consider bringing Lily-
Mitchell: Thank you, we got it. Mm. Obviously you were gonna say we should bring Lily... home?
Ms. Wolfe: Actually, I was going to say bring Lily a training... bra.
Mitchell: Training bra!
Cameron: A train set! Bra. See? We all said training bra at the same time.

Jay: So, Jorge, um, you were Gloria's boyfriend right before Javier?
Jorge: Yeah, and a little during, you know? She kinda bounced around between the two of us. Um, where is she anyway? I got to be at a Dodger game in an hour.
Jay: Oh, you like sports? That's fantastic! I tried to get this one into baseball. No go.
Jorge: Actually, I hate baseball. I'm here to sing the national anthem. I'm an opera singer. I just finished two months at La Scala.
Manny: The house that Toscanini built?!
Jorge: Yeah, well, it's been rebuilt a few times. You know, a bunch of opera singers prancing around. It, uh, takes its toll on the foundation.

Alex: Hey. I'm here to pick up Mom's old boombox from storage? She needs it for- [removes glasses] How many Mannys do you see through these things?
Jay: That's Gloria's ex-boyfriend.
Alex: Wait, how far ex?
Jay: Roughly 20 years.
Alex: Oh, my God. Is Is it possible? What does Gloria say?
Jay: She hasn't even seen him yet. The odd bit is, these two clones don't see the resemblance. Maybe she won't either? I'm not gonna force it on her. I mean, it's no easy thing to say "Is there a chance you're so dumb you don't even know who the father of your baby is?"