Alex: We could do a DNA test. I could do one at the lab at school. And then you would have a definitive answer. If it comes back negative, mm, you don't even really have to tell Gloria.
Jay: Well, what do you need, saliva? We take these two down to the Sizzler, and you squeegee what you need off the salad-bar window?
Alex: They use hairs now!

Emma: Lily? Why does your dad have a fallopian tube?
Cameron: That's what it is.
Mitchell: Oh.
Lily: What's wrong with you?!
Mitchell: Calm down, okay? Your father was fiddling with your teacher's reproductive organ.
Both: Oh, my God! Ms. Wolfe?!
Mitchell: No, ju the model on her desk. And then he put his finger into it, and then he couldn't... Well, now mine's stuck!

Lily: Hey, I saw what you put in the bag. Thanks.
Cameron: You're welcome, sweetie. And we love you.
Lily: Are you gonna be this cool when I like a boy?
Mitchell: Oh, no. No.
Cameron: No. Not a chance.

Gloria: Papi, you look great in that new shirt! So handsome!
Jorge: Gloria!
Gloria: Oh. I thought you were Manny.
Jay: Good. You're caught up now.
Jorge: I know I put on a few, but they don't take you seriously as an opera singer when you're too skinny. Do you know what happens when the thin lady sings? The show just keeps going.

Gloria: Do you think that Jorge could be..?
Jay: Jorge mentioned you bounced around between him and Javier. How much bouncing did you do?
Gloria: Technically, it's possible.
Jay: Oh, my God.
Gloria: How is Manny going to handle this?
Jay: Not great. You know he doesn't respond well to surprises. Remember how upset he got when he found out those mashed potatoes were really just whipped cauliflower?

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire's gift involved a blindfold and a second location, showmanship of the highest order. To make things worse, the clock ran out on me. My gift- I settled- I can't even say it out loud.

Claire: Ta-da!
Phil: Oh, my God. Our old apartment.
Claire: I know. I was noodling around on Airbnb a couple of weeks ago and it was just right there listed.
Phil: Unbelievable.
Claire: It's $85 for the night, $6 for our old favorite Arizona fish sticks, which you will smell warming right now $3 for the "Forget Paris" rental.
Phil: Aw, you even found cans of the wine we used to like. You completely nailed it.
Claire: I know. I really did! I did! I did! And it was the first time ever. And [sighs] I really want this feeling to last. Would it be weird if I asked you not to give me your gift until tomorrow?
Phil: You got it.
Claire: Yes!
Phil: In fact, I might, uh I might sneak off and trade this in for something really terrible just to seal your victory.

Phil: Come on.
Claire: Honey, what happened?
Phil: I spilled some milk. Apparently the only thing this mop can't do is mop.
Claire: Well, there's no use crying over it.