Jorge: Oh, wow. This crema is incredible.
Manny: The secret is Amore beans from Guatemala. Low-acid, shade-grown, individually massaged by an order of hill nuns.
Jorge: Oh, I'm very familiar with the Amore bean.
Manny: [hushed voice, to Jay] I get why you have trouble vanquishing this guy. He's perfect.

Jay: This is a DNA test. Your mom didn't even find out until today.
Manny: So I- I- I don't even know how to react. So my whole childhood was a lie? I thought Javier was my dad. Now he's just some stranger who gave me baths?
Jay: Listen, buddy. It's not who brings you into the world. It's what you do when you're there. You're not Javier. You're not this guy. You're you. And what you are is amazing. And for the record, I've been your dad since you were 10, and I'm gonna be your dad until I'm gone. [voice breaking] I love you, and I always will.
Manny: [voice breaking] I love you too, Jay.
Gloria: [laughing] Ha! April Fool's! Now who doesn't understand a joke?!
Jay: What?
Gloria: I never dated Jorge! He's the butcher at the grocery store! I just thought that he looked like Manny!

Jay: What?
Gloria: I never dated Jorge! He's the butcher at the grocery store! I just thought that he looked like Manny! [laughs]
Manny: Why would you do that?
Gloria: Because you said that I didn't understand funny.
Alex: I didn't know you were going to take the prank this far. You made Grandpa cry.
Gloria: I know! He was like, "I love you and I always will." [laughs]
Jorge: Okay, look, I'm out. Uh, I used to raise veal, and this has to be the cruelest thing I've ever been a part of.
Gloria: [laughing]

Phil: How we doin'?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: [aside to camera] It's the most stressful day of the year for Claire our anniversary. She tends to leave her gift shopping till the last minute, and the pressure can really get to her.
[back:]
Claire: I'm great.
Phil: Huh. Oh, did you forget it's our-
Claire: No. Happy Anniversary.
Phil: You're strangely calm. Is this the legendary realm beyond madness?

Haley: Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
Claire: Did you see her yesterday?
Phil: No, why?
Claire: That's what she says when she realizes she just slept through an entire day.
Haley: So, my boss went away for the weekend, and I realized I left my phone at her house. There's a doggy door, but then I would have to find a dog, somehow learn how train it to go inside, and then find it. And I don't know where to get a
Claire: Honey. [points to Joe]
Haley: Oh my God, duh. [chuckles] Joe, you have a dog. Come on.

Jay: Now see, this is when entertainment was classy. Max Feldman wore a tux, the audience smoked cigars. And his act is as fresh today as it was in the '70s.
Max Feldman: What are you, an Eskimo? You got 50 words for "snow," but apparently none for "toothbrush."
[Jay and Manny laugh]
Gloria: I don't understand why you guys like that man. He's a bully.
Jay: See, this is why we're not bringing you to his show tonight. You don't get the jokes, you ask questions the whole time. It ruins the experience.
Gloria: I understand funny jokes. This is not funny. This is mean. He just told that guy that he looked like a beef jerky wearing a tuxedo.
Jay: And that guy was Ronald Reagan and he loved it! I hope Feldman zetzes me tonight.

Gloria: Anyways, I'm gonna go and run some errands. If Jorge arrives before I'm back, please don't bore him with this stuff.
Jay: Jorge was this steamy Latin musician your mother used to date. Apparently she feels she has to invite him here, instead of just thinking about him while she pages through a high-school yearbook on her third Scotch like a normal person.
Gloria: Jay, don't be jealous. It was 20 years ago, and I only dated him for six months. And we never had what you and I have.
Jay: Well, that's nice to hear.
Gloria: It was only physical.

Lily: I don't even remember what the fight was about.
Mitchell: Uh-huh. Then why does your teacher want to have a chat with us?
Lily: Maybe she has trouble meeting people.

Cameron: No. I wouldn't steal a bra! I don't wear bras! Oh. Well, maybe once. Our friend Pepper had a "Turning 50 is a Drag" party.
Mitchell: [chuckling] Yeah, he's had five of those.

Mitchell: A fight at school, and now a shoplifting prank? If you wanted to rebel, why don't you just put a pink streak in your hair?
Lily: I told you, I don't want one.
Mitchell: But you would look so cute.