Phil: What did you do?
Luke: I was following your orders. I'm surprised you didn't ask me to stand on top and saw around myself in a circle.

Alex: Haley, I'm sorry if I've been acting like I didn't wanna hang out with you lately. Or ever.
Haley: Don't worry about it.
Alex: I'm not worried. We'll probably be even closer once we're not actually caged in together. I'll be calling you all the time. Think about it. I'm about to live on a campus full of Alexes. That's bound to get annoying. And when it does, who better to deal with an Alex than you?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I made that.

Jay: Just got off the phone with Dan Signer.
Claire: Who?
Jay: He's one of the big mucks at the Grand Royal Hotels.
Claire: Oh.
Jay: They're thinking about dropping our account. Something about you turning down the job offer.And then accepting it. And then turning it down. And then accepting it again. Why are you jerking him around? You're worse than Claudia.
Claire: Who's Claudia?
Jay: Janice's ex-girlfriend. She strung her along for eight years. Now they're in a custody battle over two Labradors. Am I the only one that got stuck in the break room with her today?

Claire: Don't you even care if I stay or go?
Jay: Of course I do.
Claire: Well, you don't show it.
Jay: Well, maybe because I didn't want that to be a factor. It would kill me if I thought that what I felt would hold you back from getting something that you wanted. But trust me, when I saw that job offer my heart almost fell out of my chest. I love us working together.
Claire: Thanks. Okay, then.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: "Okay, then"? I pour my heart out, and that's all I get? One time my dad said, "Nice game, kid." I had eye black streaming down my cheeks. But all I get is, "Okay, then"?

Jay: Hey, Dan! Gee, I didn't think you would show up in person. Claire, this is the big cheese, Dan Signer.
Claire: Hi, Mr. Signer. Such a pleasure to meet you. - I'm so sorry about all that back-and-forth today.
Jay: I'll handle it from here. Dan, we love doing business with you but I got to put my foot down when it comes to Claire. This is my little baby girl here. The best part of my day is having a coffee with her in the break room. And it wasn't that long ago that she was sitting at the breakfast table eating heart-shaped waffles that I made for her. I tell ya, it puts a lump in your throat. Anyway, uh, I don't know how I got to be the luckiest SOB alive. But if I have just even a few grains left in that hourglass, I'm gonna be spending it with... Wow. I almost just called her by her childhood nickname there.
Claire: Mm-mmm.
Jay: Oh, what the hell? My Little Bunny Foo Foo.
Claire: [crying] Oh, no. Bunny! Bunny!

Mitchell: Okay, Lily, we think that maybe you don't get emotional because Daddy gets, you know, so emotional because he kind of handles the emotions for the entire house.
Cameron: I do.
Mitchell: Possibly the entire block.
Cameron: Okay. And that maybe that's why you don't feel anything.
Lily: I feel stuff.
Mitchell: Really? Because when we were sick a few weeks ago, you didn't seem to care.
Lily: I didn't care.
Cameron: Well, she's not a liar. We did something right.

Gloria: I know someday I'm gonna lose you to another woman and I'll find a way to be okay with it.
Manny: Thanks, Kylie.
Gloria: [flicks Manny] But not today.

Phil: Come on, you had to be done that time.
Claire: Is it me? Is it the way that I tell stories? Am I so boring or is everyone in this family that self-involved?
Alex: As I was saying, her name is Alaina and she's from North Carolina. That's my roommate. Now I'm done.