Manny: Aw. You bought me a balloon.
Gloria: What?
Manny: And a teddy bear. When did you buy all this stuff?
Gloria: Uh, when when you were asleep. And I got you a strawberry milk shake.
Manny: Mom, you're the best.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: He couldn't remember a thing. All I had to do was to get him past the 5:00 deadline so that he couldn't go on that trip with Kylie. I know what happens at camp. I've seen Meatballs.

Phil: Does this place look familiar?
Alex: Oh, yeah. This is where we were all murdered.
Phil: No, silly. This is where you girls saw your first movie. Halfway through Hare-Abian Nights, I looked over and your little heads were pressed together like the cutest tepee ever.
Luke: And where was I during all of this family fun?
Phil: Buddy, the three of us were having a girls' day. You get it.

Phil: While I was still building this place I snuck back here with you guys after work one day, and Check it out.
Haley: Aw, Dad! Are those our feet?
Alex: Look at how tiny.
Luke: Where's my footprints?
Phil: Um... I guess that's you. Anyway-
Luke: That looks like a baby head.
Phil: I was struggling with these two. You were all squirmy. I'm not gonna apologize over and over.

Cameron: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Just to clarify. The only thing that makes you cry that truly resonates with you on a deep, emotional level is a film about someone who's trapped in a loveless marriage?
Mitchell: Okay, Cam, please go. I'm starting not to feel anything.
Cameron: Do you know how hurtful that is?
Lily: [o.s.] I'm home!
Mitchell: And now I'm not crying.

Mitchell: Oh, my gosh. I just realized something.
Cameron: What, that our marriage bed is a 1,200-thread-count charade?

Mitchell: No, maybe this isn't my fault. Maybe Lily can't show empathy because you're always crying.
Cameron: Oh, so it's my fault?
Mitchell: Yes. You've totally desensitized her to normal emotions.
Cameron: That's not true.
Mitchell: And now you want to cry because she won't cry because you're always crying.
Cameron: And you would only know that because you do love me! [sobs] Oh!

Jay: Man, that smarts.
Claire: What are you doing? Just trimming the hedges.
Jay: I saw a low-angle photo of me the other day. I looked like I snorted a rabbi.

Manny: Oh. Kylie texted me. She sent me a photo of me and her. Sitting right here.
Gloria: Oh, maybe she sneak in while I was getting you all those nice stuff.
Manny: But you're behind me, staring at us with a terrible look on your face.
Gloria: That's impossible. I never take a bad picture.

Manny: Are you trying to sabotage my relationship with Kylie?
Gloria: Her clothes are too tight her heels are too high, she's so loud and and I hate how she smothers you! Manny: [chuckles] Oh, my God. You're describing yourself.
Gloria: No. My clothes are not that- My heels are- I am not loud.
Manny: I'm dating my mother! [groans] Oh, gross.
Gloria: Excuse me?
Manny: I used to like her, but now it's ruined.
Gloria: Please. There are worse things than dating your own mother.
Manny: Like what?
Gloria: You know what? I don't like this attitude. And I am sure that Kylie won't like it either. Maybe you do need somebody like her to keep you in line while I am not around.

Haley: Are you ever gonna call me?
Alex: What?
Haley: It's just something I've I've been wondering about, you know. Like, we live together, so you don't have to call me and once you're off at brainy school surrounded by a bunch of brainy brains are we gonna be friends?
Alex: What are you talking about? You're my sister.
Haley: Oh, right. Yeah, sisters. Like, we're obligated to see each other. Thanksgiving, Christmas, [objects clattering] Luke's funeral.