Claire: Can I get a scotch and a white wine? Wow, rowdy crowd, huh?
Bartender: Trade shows - people get away from their families, get a little liquored up.
Claire: Yeah, I get that.
Bartender: Let's just say when the nametags go on, the wedding rings come off.
Claire: I am not so on board with that.

Haley: Stalker!
Alex: Trollop.
Haley: Ha-ha, don't know what it means!

Grams: Who's this?
Barb: Oh, dear.
Cameron: Uh... Well, grams, this is Bud, our new farmhand.
Mitchell: Bud?
Cameron: Yeah, Bud's a little simpleminded on account of getting mule-kicked, isn't he? And you know the rules on being in the house, Bud. Now, go on outside. We're gonna milk the cows in a few minutes. Get on out there. Have a treat afterwards.

Phil: Dad, you've got three good men here depending on you.
Frank: [over video chat] Say no more. I'm gonna tap a button now that's either gonna make you larger on my screen or-
Luke: We've lost Florida.

Jay: Hey, honey. I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.
Claire: Yeah, well, the lecture got done a little early, and I was kind of the star of the evening.I got a huge laugh when I coined the phrase "shelf-esteem." Huh? Yeah? Okay, I'll text it to Phil.

Jay: Claire, this is Rita.
Rita: Your dad and I go way back. First time we met, I told him he needed a course in "hanger" management.
Jay: It's still funny.
Claire: Seriously?

Mitchell: I'm done. I'm done.
Cameron: Come on. Please, just be Bud for a couple days. You can do some chores, maybe I can berate you a little bit to really sell it.
Mitchell: Do you hear how insane you sound? Chores?

Luke: Oh, this is useless.
Phil: Hey, I don't want to hear talk like that. If you want inspiration, think about Apollo 13. Jay didn't give up when he first put together this model. It was hard and complicated, and back then, the print on the instructions was tiny, but he persevered.
Manny: Also, the astronauts on the actual Apollo 13 didn't give up when their actual lives were in danger.
Phil: Them, too, but they had a lot of other people helping them out. We're on our own here.

Manny: Why are we making ourselves crazy, Phil?
Phil: I don't know. I just hate disappointing Jay so much.
Manny: He is not an easy guy to please.
Phil: I know, but when you do, it's pretty sweet, ain't it?
Manny: Sure is.
Phil: You're lucky to have a dad like that.
Frank: [over video chat] Hard not to be hurt by that, son.

Haley: How have I never noticed how loud you breathe?
Alex: Aw, don't beat yourself up. That'd require you to notice something that isn't about you.