Dr. Debra Radcliffe: When I call out tiger, you will become a ferocious tiger. When I call out rock star, you will be-[British accent] A major rocker. And when I call out bunny, you will be-
Jay: Halfway home. Goodbye.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, go ahead, but don't forget that we don't have a prenup.

Mitchell: I might need booze for this.
Claire: Oh, me likey that idea.
Mitchell: We are not cut out for this.
Cameron: You can't compare yourself to me. I was in "Cats".
Mitchell: No one's comparing themselves to you, Cam.

Alex: So, why did they need you out of the house?
Haley: Well, they said it was some sort of therapy, but part of me thinks it's an intervention for mom.

Alex: I have a high-school boy toy.
Haley: What?! Who?
Alex: It's Luke's dorky friend Reuben.
Haley: Ugh.
Alex: I feel so ashamed.
Haley: Oh, my god. You should be. Isn't he, like, 8?
Alex: No, he's 16 and 3/4, and he has to shave almost every two weeks.
Haley: How did you let this happen? You go to Caltech. You're surrounded by age-appropriate dorks.

Haley: I hooked up with Andy.
Alex: What?!
Haley: Mm-hmm.
Alex: Engaged Andy?
Haley: I know. We were all alone at this house that dad had set up to be sexy-
Alex: Dad made it sexy for you?!
Haley: No, no, for the buyer, but Andy and I were alone, a-and suddenly Bam.
Alex: Bam?
Haley: Mm-hmm.
Alex: "Bam" as in sex or "bam" as in what Reuben shouted when he unhooked my bra?
Haley: Let's just leave it at "bam."

Claire: You're right. We're gonna win this thing.
Phil: It's not a competition.
Claire: Exactly. We have this in the bag. Mitchell and Cam fall apart if they've got to pick a restaurant, and all Gloria ever does is yell at my dad.
Phil: Yeah, I'd really hate to be your dad right now.

Mitchell: All right, we need a game plan here. My dad and sister are here. Let's keep a low profile. Light and surfacy.
Cameron: But aren't we wasting a great opportunity to learn more about me?
Mitchell: We are not gonna be the sideshow gay couple. Okay, nothing too personal. For god's sake, no bedroom stuff. We're representing a community.

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: How's it going here with you two?
Gloria: Not good. He's not even trying. Sounds like you're stuck in that drawer.
Jay: Sounds like you're stuck in that metaphor.

Gloria: I think he's not used to feeling emotions. Maybe it was too much for him.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: No, no, this is good. Some people's junk drawers are so full, it's a struggle to open them.
Mitchell: W-was he holding his chest?
Gloria: Si.
Cameron: Something seemed "wong".

Gloria: No, Jay doesn't feel anything.
Jay: I feel lots of things. Annoyed that I'm missing my game, joy that the Steelers are winning.
Cameron: Oh, what is the score?
Gloria: We're not gonna talk about football here!
Jay: Gloria's right. We should talk about deeper things like those awkward years between 14 to 6.
Cameron: Yes!