Gloria: When do we get to talk about the dumb things that our husbands do?
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Gloria, thank you. I'm glad you said that.
Gloria: You're welcome. At least somebody's helping.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Because that kind of language is counterproductive.
Jay: Oh, snap.

Cameron: Well, I told you not to harp on me about the lights.
Mitchell: Oh, because this is the first that I'm hearing about the coasters.
Claire: Here we go.
Mitchell: Okay, I don't appreciate the smirking.
Claire: I hear you, Mitchell, and I will try to smirk when you're not looking.

Haley: I feel like if Andy weren't engaged, we'd have a chance.
Alex: And if Reuben were just a little bit older and didn't wear prescription shoes-
Haley: It'd still be gross.
Alex: I know.
Haley: What are we gonna do?
Alex: We should both just end it.
Haley: I am not killing myself.
Alex: No! Break up with them. Oh, god.

Alex: You deserve somebody that isn't engaged to somebody else.
Haley: Yeah, and you deserve to be with someone who didn't take baths with Luke.

Phil: Okay, uh, Claire.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: I love you.
Claire: I know.
Phil: But when you use that expression, it makes me feel, um... Icky.
Claire: But, I mean, I've hardly ever even used the expression-
Phil: Me likey Sushi, me likey "Game of Thrones", me likey chardonnay. It does hit my ear wrong. But you know what? Forget it. I'm sorry. I got nothing to complain about. Me lucky.

Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Phil, never apologize for your feelings.
Jay: I thought we're not supposed to say "never".
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Good catch, Jay. Thank you. As the kids say, it's going to get real up in here, but trust me, after that, once I've guided you through the extremely specific steps in deciding what goes back in the drawer and what gets thrown out, you will be the best version of yourselves. It always works.
Jay: Don't say "always".
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Thank you.

Gloria: You think I'm too loud?
Jay: Shh! Shh!
Gloria: How am I loud?
Jay: Well, you take in too much air and you expel that air with large and sudden bursts. That's how.
Gloria: Oh, so you're saying that I am full of hot air?
Jay: No, I'm saying just the opposite. None of the air stays in you.

Claire: Why did you write down "teepee joke"?
Phil: Debra said these are my personal and private thoughts.
Claire: I love that joke. I tell it all the time. It's funny.
Phil: To you.
Claire: Okay. Listen up, guys. This guy walks into his shrink's office and he says, "Doc, what's wrong with me? I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam." And the doc says, "that's your problem. You're two tents." Do you get it? Two tents.

Phil: It just seems a little childish.
Claire: Really? 'Cause you're the one who can't stop playing with his pogo stick.
Phil: You know what? Maybe you'd be happier if you played with my pogo stick once in a while.
Claire: Oh, my god!
Mitchell: What's sad is they're actually talking about a pogo stick.
Cameron: What's sad is you love electricity more than me.

Andy: So, what now?
Haley: I don't know. We're still gonna see each other. You work for, like, half my family.
Andy: Do I remove you from my calling circle?
Haley: I think that's between you and your wireless carrier.