‘Clean Out Your Junk Drawer’
Season 7, Episode 8 - Aired December 2, 2015
After Gloria wins a bid at a school auction, the family take part in a group therapy session with famed doctor and author Debra Radcliffe (guest star Catherine O'Hara), whose self-help book "Clean Out Your Junk Drawer" encourages people to look deep inside themselves and share long suppressed feelings with their loved ones. Elsewhere, Haley and Alex have their own help session to discuss their love lives.
Quote from Jay
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Rock star. Looking good, Phil.
Phil: I won an air-guitar contest in high school.
Jay: Bet that got you a lot of air girlfriends.
Quote from Jay
Claire: What the hell is that, dad?
Jay: I'm playing an accordion.
Claire: Supposed to be a rock star. I think you should do, like, a guitar or something.
Jay: I only know how to play the accordion. Pick on Mitchell. He's playing a flute. At least I hope he is.
Quote from Cameron
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Shame, guilt, fear. These are just some of the things we shoved in the back of our junk drawers when we were young. This exercise comes from chapter three, "Scary Dreams, Expired Creams".
Cameron: Oh, I have both of those.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Now, tell me everything that you're thinking.
Jay: I'm thinking about all that other stuff we could've bid on at that auction instead of this nonsense. Lunch with Larry King. A ride along in a cop car. I heard they let you tase someone.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Jay, this is important. Dr. Debra said that this is good for us. Now close your eyes.
Jay: Why should I close my eyes?
Gloria: Because I don't like you looking up at my neck like that. The other day, I took a selfie from down there and I thought that I was FaceTiming with my grandmother.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: I wemember my mom went into the store and left me all alone in the back of a twuck.
Mitchell: Okay, do you have to do the baby talk?
Cameron: I couldn't pronounce my r's when I was younger and the other children made fun of me, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: It was very twaumatic. Mom? Mommy? Where are you?
Quote from Phil
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: I'm sorry. I'm sorry! But I have to go pick up my son because my idiot ex-husband loaned his car to his latest Tinder whore.
Jay: We paid good money for this.
Gloria: No, it was only $84.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Excuse me?
Gloria: I would've paid more, but nobody else was bidding.
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: [sobbing] That's great. You know what? I deserve it. This is what you get for dumbing down 30 years of research for a trite analogy of a junk drawer. Just because my editor told me it would get me on the "Ellen" show.
Cameron: You were on "Ellen"?
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: Oh, yeah, yeah. I danced my way into America's heart, and that's why I'm stuck here on a Sunday afternoon for 80 bucks.
Phil: Wait. You can't leave now. All our junk is out!
Quote from Phil
Cameron: I know what you're all thinking, and, yes, I will take over as group leader.
Jay: No one's thinking that.
Cameron: I'm the only one with improv experience.
Phil: Oh, really? Or was I the only white member of Ha Ha Blacksheep? I seem to remember bringing down the hizouse with such classic characters as a scared tourist, quarterback, and Bryant Gumbel.
Quote from Jay
Jay: "Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like 'the heart wants what the heart wants.' We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner, and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth."
Gloria: Go to sleep, Jay-Jay.
Jay: I'm telling you, the woman is a genius.
Quote from Phil
Dr. Debra Radcliffe: All right, everybody. On your feet. Okay.
Claire: You know, I-I sort of thought this was a "sit here and listen" kind of a thing.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Phil: Or as I call it, marriage. Where's my husbands at? [Jay leaves Phil's high five hanging]