Phil: Wait a minute. What is Chickie doing in there?
Claire: It's broken.
Phil: But every year when the kids were little he was the star of Easter! I mean, besides Jesus.

Luke: When you squeeze it, it says, "Happy Easter!"
Claire: Now when you squeeze him, he says, "battery acid is leaking inside of me. Let me die!" Later.

Luke: She just took my favorite stick. You need to control your woman.
Phil: That is your mother you're talking about... So that's not happening.

Cameron: Manny, as requested, a few of my favorite clown props.
Mitchell: What's wrong, Manny, you have too many friends?

Jay: I'm more worried about dying from boredom in retirement than from a fiery crash. Now, thanks for your concern. Take your purse and go.

Jay: Anyway, bye, Cam.
Cameron: No, you know what? I'm not going anywhere, because in Gloria's dream, I was alive. So if I'm with you, this plane can't go down.
Jay: You think you being on this small plane makes it less likely to crash?
Cameron: Please don't do this to me in front of Gus, okay?

Alex: God, I was really into trolls.
Haley: Yeah, especially your junior prom date with the baby teeth.

Haley: He cheated on you. You need to get over this guy and move on with your life.
Alex: I am so over him.
Haley: So why are you sniffing that?
Alex: I'm just smelling how stupid he smells. Oh, my god. Okay, fine. You're right. I need closure. I saw on Instagram he's home for the weekend.
Haley: So you take his stupid hoodie and his clunky shoes and you go over there and throw them in his dumb face.
Alex: Those are my shoes.

Mitchell: I don't know what is happening. I keep coaching her and coaching her, and she's just getting worse.
Manny: You know what? I'll give her a few tips. My flute of choice has always been the pan, but I suppose I could dumb it down.

Mitchell: This is a nightmare.
Gloria: Yes. She's terrible. But the nightmare is seeing your husband plunging to his death and having people think that you did it for the life insurance payout.
Mitchell: That's a new detail.