Gloria: Jay, hurry up, we want to go home.
Jay: [o.s.] I can't get this damn thing to work!
Claire: Oh, no, is it one of those automatic sinks?
Phil: You know what? He should do a hard reboot. Go back to the urinal and reapproach.
Mitchell: What's going on in there?
Jay: [o.s.] I can't even get a trickle out of this thing!
Cameron: Oh, I find that thinking about it helps.
Claire and Gloria: It's the sink.
Jay: It makes no sense that I'm waving my arms like I'm directing a plane into a gate! He's gonna break it like he broke the remote control. Let's just go, the paper towels thing is automatic too. [Jay wipes his hands on Mitchell's sweater vest]

Manny: Notes from the road. Alternate title, The United States of me. Fear Friend or Foe? As children, we're taught to fear what can hurt us. But as adults, we're expected to conquer what we're afraid of. So what are fears? Do they keep us alive? Or do they keep us from living?
Haley: Hey! You're blocking the driveway. Hit the road already.
Manny: Okay, I'm going.

Phil: Sweet home Alduzzarna, it's The Foolmaker from "Clash of Swords" season five!
Mitchell: I'm only on season three. I feel lost. Help me.
Phil: Oh, okay. During the Feast of Figs, the Forest Prince banished Migolaf the Wanderer to the outer reaches of The Forsaken Realm. Migolaf waylaid the Iguodalan Dwarves and cursed the high cleric to an eternity of feeble-mindedness using the mighty scepter known as The Foolmaker. I got to get a selfie.

Gloria: Stop wiggling. I'm almost done. [sneezes, gasps]
Joe: Why'd you gasp? [looking in mirror] Ah! My hair is my identity!

Mitchell: No, no. I-I-I thought I was ready, but I'm not. I'm not. I-I've fantasized so long about coming, and now that that we're here, I am I'm mortified, okay? I'm a 40-year-old man.
Phil: No, you're not. You're a 390-year-old Highland Norph. And you're walking in with a lifer. This baby gets us all-access and two free yards of mead. Through those doors lies your destiny. What's the Galderean word for "bravery"?
Mitchell: Lochtani.
Phil: Again!
Mitchell: Lochtani.
Phil: Namu oponggi su-whi-gorth!

Nick: Ooh, lower the B.P., O.G. We're actually trying to do you a favor.
Claire: Okay, I think you have this twisted. This company has been around since before you all were born.
Except for maybe him. How is he part of this?
Nick: This guy? That's our over 40 diversity hire. Listen, we have developed smart-closet technology that's gonna make places like this obsolete. We are giving you a chance to get out while you're still ahead.
Jay: Speaking of which, get out of here!

Joe: Oh, wow! Mom, my dinosaur party looks amazing!
Gloria: But we're in that room. Somebody must've done another dinosaur party right next to us.
Dr. Donna: Gloria?
Gloria: Doctor Donna Duncan.
Dr. Donna: You remember my stepson, Digby.
Digby: [hisses]
Dr. Donna: He prefers nonverbal communication.

Haley: Dude, you brought a pan flute to the fifth grade. You serenade girls who are way out of your league. You're a baller. You got this.
Manny: Thanks.
Haley: Anytime.
[Manny offers Haley a hug. As they hug, he starts to draw her towards the door]
Haley: Manny. Manny, this is kidnapping.

Claire: Hang on, Dad. I- I don't like these dorks any more than you do, but they might be onto something.
Jay: What are you saying? You want to sell?
Claire: No, I was thinking more of a merger. I did some digging, and they are two years behind on production.
They need our manufacturing, and frankly, we need their technology.
Jay: Nope, not gonna happen. End of conversation.
Claire: Really? Oh. I-I'm having a business discussion. I am not negotiating a new bedtime.
Jay: I'm not taking on an outside partner.
Claire: h, I get it, 'cause you're not very good with partners. I mean, you put me in charge, like, nine times, but if it's an important decision, I should just shut up.
Jay: Well, I can't help it if I have a sixth sense about this business. Closets chose me!

Dr. Donna: Cameron, sweetie! I thought I heard your voice cutting through the joyless silence of this I want to say party, but I'm afraid it will sound sarcastic.
Gloria: You guys are friends?
Cameron: Uh, well, we go to the same blowout parlor, yeah. Wait a minute, did you pay for my Belizian blowout just so I would shout the details of Gloria's party so you could outdo her?
Dr. Donna: Oh, look at you catching on. Kids, sorry to wake you. But I'm gonna leave these wristbands here in case any of you want to come ride our roller coaster. The mechanical kind, not the emotional one you've been on since you came through these doors.
Gloria: Get out of here! [to the kids] Not you, not you, not you.