Claire: Two get out of heres?
Jay: You believe these punks? I mean, what was with all this eye contact? In my day, nerds had the decency to stare at their shoes!

Claire: Their website looks legitimate. I mean, they've got some pretty great clients.
Jay: Wait a second, is that Margaret?
Claire: She's working there. They must have poached her.
Jay: Brainwashed her, is what they did. Margaret is very vulnerable. I've had to rescue her a bunch of times from cults and an Amway pyramid. Come on. Let's get our girl back!
Claire: You were all the way out of the Grand Canyon before you realized no one was on my donkey. But, sure, let's go save Margaret.

Manny: Hey, girl, hey!
Haley: I'm not going on your road trip.
Manny: What?
Haley: Luke told me that you've been hounding him because you don't want to drive cross-country alone.
Manny: Oh, I'm just trying to do you a favor. You're going to a conference in Memphis. It's only 12 hours out of my way.
Haley: Hey, no need to be afraid.
Manny: Afraid?
Haley: Manny, I'm a pretty girl who wears low-cut tops. I know what a scared 19-year-old boy looks like.

Jay: We're not here to sell. We're here to bring Margaret home. Who's Margaret?
Nick: Margie! Margie-Marge!
Jay: How did they get you? Are you still wandering around alone in pet stores? I've told you, that's the kind of person these cults target!
Margaret: I like it here. They have one of those machines that makes every kind of soda.
Claire: But you're diabetic. And a grown-up.

Nick: See, this is the future of closets automated, intelligent
Jay: That's what they said about the "mood closet" in the '70s, and I buried them.
Nick: Very cranky.
Claire: Yes, but he has earned the right to be cranky, because my father is a giant in this industry, and he had to skip his ice-cream sandwich today to come here.

Mitchell: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought. There are so many eyes on me. I mean, yes, sure, less because of all the cyclopses, but still.

Manny: Huh. I couldn't help noticing a lot of loose hairs on your pillow and a stack of fully completed Sudoku books. Weren't you supposed to be taking it easy this summer? No school, no projects-
Alex: Yeah, I'm loving it.
Manny: What are the chances I open your dresser and find a calendar with three X'd out days and a giant red circle around the date school starts again?
Alex: You don't know me.
Manny: Look, you're facing a challenge that scares you, but you know in your heart you need to take it on. Because it'll help you grow and become a stronger, more balanced person.
Alex: Ugh. Of course I know you're right, but it's hard! People are out there discovering planets, and I'm in here doing BuzzFeed quizzes. Like if I were to be a Beatle, who would I be? I'd be Ringo. Who cares, Manny?! Manny?

Claire: Aw, Dad. I can't promise that you wouldn't feel old in that building, but from the outside looking in, I mean, you're the guy who's holding his own with kids a third his age. That makes you like the the Tony Bennett of closets.
Jay: I told you I took an elevator with him in Rome, right?
Claire: Yeah, you did. And you know what, in that building there's a bunch of people who have never heard that story. Did he have a Chihuahua with him?
Jay: A mink.
Claire: A mink?
Jay: A live mink. All class.

Peter Pan: Where my Lost Boys at?!
Cameron: What the hell is this?! You said you were at a kid's Peter Pan party?
Ronaldo: No, no, no. I said, "Kit's Peter Pan party." It's his 11th time turning 50.

Mitchell: I wish I had that. I mean, I was a weird kid whose family only made him feel weirder. I mean, it took until today to do an adventure that I have wanted to do since I was Manny's age. I-I went to Hero-Con.
Cameron: Not in costume?
Mitchell: Affirmative, Fizbo.
Cameron: Okay, if this is something you're into, why haven't you ever told me?
Mitchell: I haven't told anyone. I mean, I tried with my mom once, but I chickened out and told her I was gay instead. And I-I wasn't even sure at that point.