Mitchell: Cam. Cam.
Cameron: How did you get on the set?
Mitchell: I walked on. It's not MGM. It's a warehouse behind a mattress store.

Director: And action.
Male Voice Artist: [exaggerated Asian accent] Oh, no! We are lost in a city of high furniture prices.
Female Voice Artist: [exaggerated Asian accent] Oh! Can no one protect us from these high prices?
Director: Cut. Lighting problem. One sec.
Cameron: You can apologize to me any time you're ready.
Mitchell: Are you kidding me?
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: This commercial It's-it's a big stereotype.

Director: Action.
Male Voice Artist: [exaggerated Asian accent] Oh, no! We are trapped in a city of high furniture prices.
Female Voice Artist: [exaggerated Asian accent] Oh! Can no one protect us from these high prices?
Male Voice Artist: Look. Over there.
Female Voice Artist: Oh!
Male Voice Artist: It's Save-zilla.
Female Voice Artist: He's knocking down prices on everything from bibs to cribs.
Male Voice Artist: Half off on playpens.
Female Voice Artist: Ah!
Male Voice Artist: High chairs are low chairs.
Cameron: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Director: Cut. What's the problem?
Cameron: Well, don't you think this commercial just might be the teeniest bit racist? I mean, "Save-zilla"?

Cameron: I just - I can't let my daughter do this.
Director: We had an agreement.
Cameron: Well, I also have the best attorney in town, so do your worst. And by the way, Lily is Vietnamese, not Japanese. There's a big difference, but you wouldn't know that because you're only interested in seeing these children as interchangeable stereotypes, not human beings. Come on, Lily. Let's go. [picks up boy]
Mitchell: Cam? Cam. That's not-
Cameron: Hi, buddy. [puts boy down, picks up Lily]
Mitchell: There we go.

Jay: Goin' to meet your mother. Figured it out all by myself. Two years ago, we got our marriage license. We went to a little hot dog stand. She said it was the most romantic meal she ever had in her life. That's it, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. Get this through your head: You can give me the cold shoulder the rest of your life Jack's not coming back. See, I could overlook the goofing off but you could have been seriously hurt today. Anybody puts my kid in danger doesn't get a second chance. Ever. I'll see you later.
Manny: Did you just call me your kid?
Jay: Oh, geez.
Manny: You've never said that before.
Jay: Sure, I have.
Manny: Uh-uh.
Jay: Well, of course you're my kid. I mean, what do you think?

Manny: You're going to the wrong place.
Jay: What?
Manny: It's not your wedding license.
Jay: What is it?
Manny: First kiss.
Jay: No. Just tell me.
Manny: I mean your first kiss with my mom.
Jay: My God, you're right. Thanks. [hesitates]
Manny: The pier.
Jay: Thanks.

Haley: But maybe Sonya didn't make a mistake. Maybe she just met her soul mate when she was young.
Claire: No. No, no, no. That never happens. See, she threw her life away, and now she wants out.
Haley: Okay, let's cut the crap. We're not talking about some character on a soap opera here, are we?
Claire: No. No, we're not. Honey, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt your feelings but I've been feeling this way for a really long time, and- Can we be honest with each other? He's kind of a doofus.
Haley: I guess, but I thought you liked that about him.
Claire: Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. No, I never did. Believe me, honey, there are many better options out there.
Haley: Like who?
Claire: I don't know. Off the top of my head how about that cute guy who delivers the pizzas?
Haley: He's, like, 18!
Claire: So?

Phil: We're not calling anyone. I can handle this. Just need the ol' burglar basher.
Luke: Is that your college cheerleading baton?
Phil: Not when you're on the business end of it.

Haley: Mom, like it or not, you made a commitment. And maybe that doesn't mean anything to you anymore but you owe it to this family to save your marriage and give it one more try.
Claire: What?
Phil: [o.s.] End o' the line, Smoky Joe.
Haley: Look, Dad may be a doofus, but he is 10 times better than any pizza delivery boy. Go to him.

Claire: Let's just get new smoke detectors.
Phil: We already changed 'em out last year. Remember, buddy? You helped me.
Luke: Sure did.
Phil: Wait a minute. What'd you do with the old ones?
Luke: You told me to throw them in the garbage so I put them in the attic to make a robot.
Phil: It's the old ones. The batteries are dying and we can hear 'em through the vents. You did it, buddy.