Claire: Oh, Phil, could you change the lightbulb down in the kitchen?
Phil: First you ask me to help clean the window screens. Now you want me to do something with a ladder and electricity? Have you forgotten about my underwear, Claire?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Look, I have friends whose husbands are mean or drink too much or don't come home at all. And in that moment, I envied those friends.

Claire: Fine. I will change the lightbulb in the kitchen. You can put away this nice, soft, fluffy laundry.
Phil: All right.
Claire: Don't worry. There's not even any zippers or buttons. Nothing sharp in there. Wouldn't want you to lose a finger in a tragic folding incident. [doorbell rings]
Phil: Oh, hey. I was putting away that harmless laundry when I stepped on Luke's skateboard, rolled out the screenless window, and landed in the hedge. But you're right. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the underwear.

Manny: She never admits when she's wrong.
Jay: Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the crazy one.
Manny: Yeah, she'll do that to you. I got IBS when she refused to admit that she threw out my collection of Playbills.
Jay: I'm gonna pretend you said "the flu" and Playboys and move on.

Jay: Eh, I guess I miss you being around to share that eye roll when she gets kooky.
Manny: I always thought you were rolling your eyes at me.
Jay: Well, that, too.
Manny: At least she's worth it, right?
Jay: Definitely. So, did she ever cop to the Playbills?
Manny: You know what? Yeah, eventually, but only because she did something worse.
Jay: Wow.
Manny: It's actually a good thing. As long as she's denying the accident, you know that's the worst thing she's done.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Yes, I chose to be entombed in a wall rather than admit to Cam that I was eavesdropping. And, yes, I realize couple's counseling should be back on the table.

Phil: When I miss my catch, the best thing I can do is just wait it out in a safe place.
Claire: Unh-unh. Not today. No, no, no. We have a ton of errands to get done before we go see Steely Dan this afternoon.
Phil: What time is that?
Claire: 3:00 p.m.
Phil: Why is it so...
Claire: They are not young men, Phil.

Haley: Great. My phone is broken, and it's your fault.
Claire: How do you figure that?
Haley: Because I had to throw it at some squirrels last night to keep them from attacking me. You guys have to buy me a new one.

Claire: No, it's not costing you money because we are not buying her a new phone.
Haley: What?! But I need it for work. I sit on a stupid golf course all day. What else am I supposed to look at?

Cameron: And aside from that, maybe it's because I'm a little more, you know, assertive.
Mitchell: Do you think so? Because I actually have thought that. I mean, maybe I'm too passive, which could be why my career has stalled or I agreed to have sex with all three women who asked me.
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: Oh, it was so gentle and gross.

[aside to camera:]
Claire: It's self-fulfilling. Phil believes something bad is gonna happen, so he makes it happen.
[flashback:]
Phil: Ow! Paper cut. Of course, today.
Claire: Seriously? Is this part of the underwear prophecy? Aren't you being a little dramatic?
[Phil's chair collapses and he falls to the ground]
Claire: Phil?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Little bit harder to connect the dots on that one. But coincidences do happen. [shrugs]