Pam: You called Bo, you ginormous mountain of stupid?!
Cameron: Yeah, that's right, I did. And I told him you were getting your life together here with your baby and he needed to back off.
Pam: He didn't even know I had his baby.
Cameron: What?
Pam: Now he knows where I am. He's gonna come looking for me when he gets out! You ruined everything, you giant, horse-faced dummy.
Cameron: I'm not sure why every insult needs a size component.

Haley: Oh, morning, guys. You missed a beautiful sunrise. You know, living without a phone these past few days has been such a gift. Colors are brighter. Tastes are tastier. Have you ever eaten a peach? I mean, really eaten a peach? Well, most of this is in my short story. The best part, though, has been really getting to know you two. Dad, you are so funny. And you have such kind eyes. And, Mom, president of a closet company? Way to go! I guess that's why it makes it so hard to say goodbye. [picks up phone] Came in this morning. Luke set it up for me. He really shot up, huh? Anyway, in the weeks to come, try and remember that, uh... [cell phone pings] Wh- That skank! No way!

Cameron: Look, I'm really sorry. I had no idea that wasn't Bo on the phone. Who else would you be so... intimate with?
Pam: Anybody who can pay three bucks a minute for nasty talk.
Cameron: Okay, you're a phone-sex operator?
Pam: My real-person modeling gigs haven't been paying the bills. And I needed a job where I could stay at home with the baby.
Cameron: I didn't even know that still existed. Like, I thought it was all apps and the Internet now.
Pam: Not everyone leads your coastal-elite lifestyle, Cam. There's a whole country full of decent, hardworking Americans who still want to torque their doolies on the phone, you gargantuan snob!
Cameron: Just could've said "snob."

Jay: Hey, kid. Wake up. We need to talk.
Joe: What?
Jay: Your mom's car got a big dent in it. Now, I know you were with her. Did you see how that happened?
Joe: Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store.
Jay: That's what your mom said, but if it was something else, like, I don't know, she got into a little fender bender, you could tell me.
Joe: Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store.

Claire: Good morning, sunshine. How was your night in the yard?
Haley: Perfect. I like sleeping outside.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Haley lost her keys again. She's been going through this irresponsible phase.
Claire: Yeah, for 25 years. I'm not gonna let her get to 26.
Phil: [chuckling] Just to be clear, Claire's not going to kill her.

Haley: [o.s.] Let me in! Please!
Claire: No.
Haley: Please?
Claire: This is just like when we Ferberized her as a baby. Let her cry it out. She'll settle down.
Haley: Why?!
Phil: What if I just throw a blanket out there? Something that smells like us.
Haley: You can't leave me out here! It's 2:00 in the morning! I have to change for a party.
Phil: Good night, honey.

Claire: Morning, Phil.
Phil: No! It's not a... It's not a good morning. It's gonna be an even worse day.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Every morning, before I shower, I kick off my underwear. If I catch it, it's gonna be a great day. If I don't, disaster. I know that sounds crazy, but it's an old family ritual my grandfather did until the day he died. A day, you guessed it, that he dropped his underwear.

Phil: I don't know what happened. It was a strong kick, ankle flick was on point.
Claire: It is just a ridiculous superstition.
Phil: Ridiculous? Let's review. They day I Rollerbladed into bees, I dropped my underwear.
Claire: Mm.
Phil: The night I Rollerbladed into that campfire...
Claire: How about you stop Rollerblading?
Phil: How about I stop breathing?

Mitchell: Step away from the pipe, Cam. Come on. You're better than that.
Cameron: No, I'm not, and neither are you. You eavesdropped on that couple behind us at "Bridget Jones's Baby."
Mitchell: Oh, no, that wasn't eavesdropping. We were in public. And do you think I really wanted to hear that moron's recap of the first movie? Half those details were from "Love Actually."

Mitchell: Hey, um, I-I don't want to make a big deal about this, but do you notice how he calls you "Boss" and me "Mitch"?
Cameron: No, but I did notice how one of his little pouches on his tool belt is filled with jelly beans. How cute is that?
Mitchell: The point is, he treats you like the actual boss and me like I'm some, you know, ditzy trophy wife.
Cameron: First of all, I thought we agreed we had the rare dual-trophy-wife situation.