Alex: Oh, my God, Mom, I think I got it. I've been lugging this thing around for ten years.
Claire: Okay. Well, you sure you don't want us to stay and- and hear you play?
Alex: Mm, that's okay.
Haley: Yeah, I agreed to dinner, not tickets to the Electric Light Dorkestra.
Claire: Don't be so mean to your sister.
Alex: No, that's our band's name.

Cameron: You know what, Mitchell? Forgive me if my Missouri is showing, but what she is doing is not marriage. It's a mockery of marriage. It's mockerage. And I'm gonna stop it.

Mitchell: I can't help but think you're infusing the situation with just a touch of your own frustration.
Cameron: Why, because we've built a life together for the last ten years? Because we're raising a child? Or because I was the first person to think of doing an elaborately choreographed dance at our wedding, and now it's been done to death?
Mitchell: Makes you feel any better, I was never gonna do that.

Art Teacher: Look, I'm an artist. I'm free. I used to have an earring up here. But some of the other parents have complained. Well, the moms.
Gloria: He must have learned that at school. Because we have filters in the computer, and I have thrown out all of Jay magazines.
Jay: Don't know what she's talking about.
Gloria: There is no way that Manny has seen this sort of thing at our home. [looks down at her breasts]
Jay: We'll take it from here.

Cameron: Look, I know you're tired, but just think how good you're gonna feel tomorrow when you wake up and we have all new shelf paper!
Mitchell: I wish I didn't get what you are talking about, but I do. I just do.

Cameron: Hey, who could be calling at this hour?
Mitchell: Oh. It's Sal.
Cameron: Nuh-uh.
Mitchell: No. Not answering that. Whatever earth-shattering drama she's going through can wait. [knock on door] Until she gets here. Oh, God. I hope we have vodka.
Cameron: We don't, Mitchell.

Sal: Why won't this open? Uh, something's wrong with that door. Okay, whatever. I have the most amazing news, and I'm super excited, but I won't be if you don't want me to be. Ready? I'm getting married!
Cameron: Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
Mitchell: Oh, wow!
Sal: I know!
Mitchell: Who's the guy?
Sal: Oh, the love of my life.
Cameron: Oh, so you finally bagged your boss?
Sal: Oh! Yes, but it's not him. And I don't work there anymore.

Cameron: Oh, my God, we're getting married!
Sal: We're getting married! Let's have a drink.
Mitchell: Yeah, we're out of vodka.
Sal: I will see you on Friday.

Gloria: Fine. Next time, I will feed your baby inside a dark closet. I'm just saying pick your moments, huh? Like let Daliya open the door. That's why we hired her. Daliya?
Gloria: My mother raised six children while working at a construction job. She would be so ashamed if I had a nanny.
Jay: I don't see a lot of shame from your mom when she's cashing my checks every month.

Alex: Hey, can one of you guys drive me to my cello thing tonight?
Claire: Honey, I wish we'd known.
Phil: Yeah. We got a dinner thing with the Flendersons.
Alex: Okay, you don't have to stay, and those aren't even real people.
Phil: Sorry. I panicked. I got stuck between the Flemings and the Hendersons.