Mitchell: Oh, God, the clock is ticking. We have half a day to give them an answer.
Cameron: Okay, you know what, no thinking. On the count of three, say yes or no. One, two, three...
Mitchell: I don't know.
Cameron: I can't decide!

Haley: Hey, why is there a black Suburban outside with a driver?
Alex: My company sent it. I'm manning the Helo Dynamics booth for the job recruitment fair at Caltech.
Haley: Wow! Look at you, being chauffeured in a giant SUV. When I picture you driving, you're crying in a Prius.

Claire: Phil! Phil, can you come in here? I've worked up a little presentation for my Skype interview, and I would love to get your feedback.
Phil: Yes, please! You've been such a cheerleader for me with all my magic shows and SCARB dinners, I'd love to be yours. Hit it.
Claire: [inhales deeply]
Phil: I'm gonna stop you right there.

[aside to camera:]
Claire: Anyway, I am going to channel my anxiety into a career. I am interviewing for my dream job, Senior VP of my favorite organizing chain store, Organize 'Em! I'm so excited, I could have an organaz...
Phil: You're better than that.

Phil: Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, your dad came over to help me. I gotta fix that step.
Luke: It splintered. I wiped out this morning and landed on my head.
Claire: Yeah, but my call.
Jay: We gotta take care of that before someone gets hurt.
Luke: Someone did.
Phil: I mean, what if it was Haley with the babies? Or Dylan? Or...?
Luke: Or me. I threw up.
Jay: Holy Moses. Gloria was here yesterday in heels. That could've been ugly.
Luke: [sighs] I'm sleepy.
Phil: Buddy, you gotta move. Someone's gonna trip over you.

Claire: Hey, guys, we can't do this right now, okay? I've got... I've got an interview at 1:23.
Phil: Well, that's specific.
Claire: No, not for Audrey Beckman. Her whole life is scheduled down to the second. She's a god to OCD people. Why do you think I've got that bumper sticker that says "Straighten It Like Beckman"?

Cameron: Okay, we are not that old.
Lily: You're like 50.
Cameron: [gasps, stammers] Oh, my God! No! Daddy's 44, and I'm 48.
Lily: You do realize when the baby's a senior in high school, you guys will be senior citizens?
Cameron: We will not be senior c...
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: Sixty-six. I'll be sixty-six.
Mitchell: And I'll be sixty-one.
Cameron: Well, sixty-two.
Mitchell: Not until June!

Haley: Why is someone wearing socks and sandals yelling at your fabulous shoes?

Arvin: They're not fans of your employer?
Alex: Which is so unfair. [scoffs] I'm doing very advanced research that could have far-reaching implications.
Arvin: Yeah. Of course you are. One sec. [loudly] How do you sleep at night?!
Alex: Okay, so, you, too?
Arvin: No, of course not. I am not here to judge you or your boss... [loudly] Satan!

Cameron: Mitchell, this house, huh?
Mitchell: Cam, I can't even begin to think about a house when we haven't even made a decision about whether or not we're going to...
Cameron: But maybe it's a sign. You know, the new job goes away, a baby comes along, and all of a sudden, we're standing in a charming three-bedroom...
Gloria: Three and a half bath.
Cameron: Which, holy cow, we could afford if we just switch back to grocery store face cream.