Mitchell: Okay, we already have too much on our plate. We're not buying this house!
Gloria: Oh, and in the basement, they have a karaoke room for people that want to impersonate divas without their fathers seeing them.
Mitchell: Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to look.

Jay: My cheek is itching! Is there something on my face?
Phil: Admiral Ackbar, what the hell happened to you?
Jay: I'll bet it was your stupid mushrooms! Why do I try new things?

Claire: Listen, I wanted you to think that I was a person who had it all together, but I'm not. The reality is I live in chaos! But that's why I love your products. When... When my kids are fighting or... or the grandkids are crying or my husband is making pancakes on a pogo stick, I know that I can go into my office and file bills in a color-coded divider and experience one moment of peace. [sighs] I know I'm what your company needs, because I know how much I need your company.

Gloria: And finally, back to the beautiful family room.
Cameron: It's great.
Mitchell: I mean, it is beautiful.
Gloria: I can see you both having a delightful misunderstanding here.

Gloria: Oh. Another broker just sent me a text. An offer is coming at six o'clock.
Mitchell: Great. Another ticking clock. Let's also disarm a time bomb while buying Beyoncé tickets online with an expired credit card.

Cameron: Okay, that one got to me. I'm having hard time breathing. I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack!
Gloria: And this big family room with the cozy fireplace is the perfect place to have that.

Cameron: Is that the adoption agency?
Mitchell: Yep. Um... I'll... I'll tell them. [answers phone] Hello. Uh, yes, my husband and I would love to adopt him.
Cameron: [to Gloria] Let's write up an offer.

Cameron: He taught me to love him And promised to love And cherish me over all others above [shouts] Come on, sing it with me, Tucson! [knock on door] My poor heart is wonderin', no misery can tell...
Delivery Boy: Hey, Mitchell. I have a dozen wings for Reba.
Mitchell: Yeah, okay. Thank you so much, Cory. We'll see you next time.
Cameron: Tony, I'm getting a little feedback in my ear here. Tony Hammond, ladies and gentlemen!

Ms. Beckman: [sneezes] I... I wasn't mocking you. It's just that whenever I hear someone sneeze, I have to sneeze, too, so that it's an even number. It's... it's perfectly normal.
Claire: Oh, no, I completely understand. A few years ago, I forgot to tap the towel rod twice when I got out of the shower, and we lost George Michael that day, so...
Phil: [whispering] That was you?

Claire: I'm sorry, Ms. Beckman. This was a terrible idea. I... Okay. I fell through a step, and my leg is stuck. And listen, there's no company I would rather work for. I didn't want to cancel on you, so I asked my family to make it look like this was my office.
Jay: Jay Pritchett, closeteer, but you probably know that. Achoo!
Ms. Beckman: Achoo! All right, could you just please get him out of my ear shot?