Claire: My leg is stuck! Somebody do something!
Dylan: I'm really good at getting rings off. Do you want me to butter your thighs?
Jay: Hey, Dylan, sometimes I like to play things out in my head first, if that's helpful.

Mitchell: Hey, honey, uh, we need to talk to you about something.
Cameron: Sweetie, this is something pretty big, and I... I want you to brace yourself. The adoption agency called...
Lily: I'm not going back! Do you know what happens to soft, entitled kids in Da Nang?

Lily: Whatever stops you dropping by my sleepovers. You guys way too focused on me. Plus, I think it'd be fun to have a baby brother.
Cameron: Aw.
Lily: Although...
Mitchell: Although what?
Lily: Aren't you guys kind of old to be having a baby? I'm getting into the juicy part of my teen years. I don't want to have to take over for you.

Claire: It's not working! My leg is really stuck in there!
Luke: It might be time to return to my idea.
Claire: I'm not cutting my leg off.
Luke: Think about how fast you would run with a robot leg.
Phil: Luke, your mom's not getting a robot leg! She'd need two, or she'd just run in circles.

Jay: What the hell's the matter with this house? How could two steps be broken? [opens closet door] My God, the humidity. My hair's gonna frizz out. That's why I never show any pictures from 'Nam.
Phil: Oh, no, I totally forgot about the humidifier for my mushroom log. It needed darkness and moisture. It must have rotted the wood. Wow, honey, you're really wedged in here tight.
Claire: [o.s.] Yeah, no kidding.
Jay: Why can't you buy your mushrooms at a store, like a normal person?
Phil: Store-bought mushrooms? You really don't get my generation, Boomer.

Phil: Maybe this'll enlighten you. Open up.
Jay: Get your hand away from my...
Phil: Open up!
Jay: That's damn good. Why do I always default to "no"? Is Gloria right? Should I try slim-cut jeans?

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: What Lily said really got to us. Maybe we are too old to have a new baby.
Mitchell: Yesterday, I found hairs on my ears and I yelled at the local news.
Cameron: And I called Seinfeld "Steinfeld."

Gloria: You must be mistaken, because I had Joe when I was 35.
Cameron: No, I remember. You had just turned...
Mitchell: She's not gonna budge.

Mitchell: Okay, j-just tell us, how hard is it?
Gloria: Well, are there nights where you don't sleep and you want to kill yourself? Of course. Are there shooting pains in your back from picking the baby and putting him down? Constantly.
Cameron: Okay, well, is there a but?
Gloria: It's hanging in there, but it's not the same.

Cameron: Okay, other pros... Christmases. Dipping little toes into the ocean for the first time, the way a toddler run towards the door in their jammies saying, "Daddy!" Okay, you'd better hit me with some cons. I'm practically ovulating.
Mitchell: Okay, no sleep, car seats, diapers, coughs and colds, all... all the doctor's appointments, plastic toys everywhere.
Cameron: Everywhere.