‘American Skyper’
Season 6, Episode 24 - Aired May 20, 2015
When the family gathers at Jay and Gloria's for Alex's graduation party, Phil is stuck in a hotel room in Seattle and must share the experience with a virtual presence device. Jay is fed up with Gloria's cousin being an imposition, but Gloria thinks he treats her family shabbily. Meanwhile, Claire is trying to come up with the perfect gift for Alex, Mitchell is hiding some personal news from Cameron, and Haley gets the sense that Andy's girlfriend, Beth, has it in for her.
Quote from Haley
[Andy and Joe are wearing similar clothes]
Haley: Uh, are you sure about that outfit?
Andy: Why does this keep happening?
Haley: It's not because Joe dresses like an adult.
Andy: I dress like an adult.
Haley: You wore light-up sneakers to a Radiohead concert.
Andy: Yes. And did we ever get separated?
Haley: Not for lack of trying.
Quote from Haley
Beth: Goldilocks. My mom read this to me a thousand times. I just never understood how that little girl got away with it.
Haley: What do you mean?
Beth: Well, if I were a bear somebody broke into my house, laid in my bed and ate my food I'd rip her skinny little arms off.
Haley: Oh. Uh, it's just porridge, right?
Beth: It's my porridge.
Haley: Um...
Quote from Phil
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Hey, guys! Guess what? They accepted your offer.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh! That's fantastic!
Manny: What offer?
Cameron: We're buying the apartment upstairs from us. We're gonna expand put in a proper guest room, a home office. So much space.
Phil: Congrats! I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my screen again.
Quote from Phil
Claire: It's just a little gift I got Alex.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] We already gave her our present. That 16-piece luggage set was a real winner.
Claire: This is more of a mother-daughter thing. It's just a key chain with a picture of me and Alex on her first day of school. I wanted her to have something that reminded her of how much I love her.
Phil: Why don't we just sing that song I wrote her?
Claire: Uh, because I don't want to sing that lame song.
Phil: Oh. Lame. Okay.
Claire: Phil, really? Come on.
Phil: Only you could hurt a robot!
Quote from Haley
Haley: So, um, I was wondering. Um... Has Beth said anything to you about me about not liking me?
Andy: Are you kidding? Beth's obsessed with you. She's always like, "Rrr! Haley's so cute. I just want to bite her face."
Haley: Oh, my God.
Andy: She asked me where you work where you go at night, whether you hike alone.
Haley: [whimpers]
Andy: She's actually very concerned about you.
Haley: Or is it possible-
Beth: What are you guys talking about?
Haley: [gasps] How I'm only into Korean dudes.
Quote from Phil
Cameron: What was that about? What did Mitchell say?
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Ooh! Do I smell Jay's famous ribs? [wheels off]
Quote from Gloria
Jay: That's yours?
Gloria: Yes, I brought it back from Colombia.
Jay: My God. I married into a drug cartel?
Gloria: These are the ashes of my dead horse, Gaucho. I had him when I was a little girl. You thought that these were drugs and that they belong to my cousin?
Jay: Well, what was I supposed to think?
Gloria: I am sick of this, Jay. You treat my family like they're criminals. Like he would bring $150,000 worth of heroin into this house!
Phil: [on the virtual presence device] How do you know how much-
Gloria: What? I can't know street value?
Quote from Mitchell
Haley: Hey, guys. So, uh, random question but, um, do any of you get kind of a weird vibe from Beth? You know, like maybe something's a little off?
Claire: Beth? No. She's an angel.
Cameron: [lisping] She seems super sweet.
Mitchell: You're really not shying away from those "S" words, are ya?
Quote from Luke
Luke: Beth's super hot. If everyone in the Coast Guard looks like that, sign me up. It's just on the weekends, right?
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Lily spilled some juice on the counter. Should I frisk her for guns?