‘American Skyper’
Season 6, Episode 24 - Aired May 20, 2015
When the family gathers at Jay and Gloria's for Alex's graduation party, Phil is stuck in a hotel room in Seattle and must share the experience with a virtual presence device. Jay is fed up with Gloria's cousin being an imposition, but Gloria thinks he treats her family shabbily. Meanwhile, Claire is trying to come up with the perfect gift for Alex, Mitchell is hiding some personal news from Cameron, and Haley gets the sense that Andy's girlfriend, Beth, has it in for her.
Quote from Alex
Mitchell: This is a report card that you made for me when you were four and you gave me a B-minus as an uncle.
Alex: Okay. I was mad because you wasted your vote on Ralph Nader.
Quote from Claire
Haley: So no one thinks that Beth has maybe, like, a slightly psychotic side?
Claire: Oh. I see what's going on here. Somebody's jealous 'cause she's not the only pretty girl around here anymore, hmm?
Alex: Wow! Thanks, Mom.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Andy, back when I was dating Claire, I used to think what if I'm in the Laundromat one day, and Robin Givens walks in? She asks me for a quarter. I hand her one. Our fingers linger. She wonders if maybe after Iron Mike what she's really yearning for is the touch of a gentler man.
Quote from Claire
[As Andy hugs Phil's virtual presence device]
Claire: Oh, come on. Get a Roomba.
Quote from Phil
Claire: You're never gonna believe what my dad did.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Lock you in the bathroom?
Claire: No. He gave Alex a trip to Europe for her graduation present. There's no way I can now give her a weekend of Dutch pancake balls after that.
Phil: Can you open the door? I'm feeling claustrophobic.
Claire: Phil, you're in a hotel room in Seattle.
Quote from Gloria
Claire: Phil and I have prepared something very special for our brilliant graduate, Alex. Okay. You ready? - When you - [no audio] Why is that not- Okay, there's no sound. Phil, honey? There's no sound.
Gloria: Okay, so, while Claire fixes robot Phil, I make toast.
Quote from Phil
Haley: Hey, Dad, can we talk?
Phil: [on virtual presence device] Sure, honey.
Haley: In private?
Phil: Oh, not so hard. I can't breathe. [chuckles] Little robot humor.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me? Hello? Oh, thank God! You've got to help me. I've been in an accident.
I- I need you to find my daughter! Oh, great. Thank you. Wh- What are you doing? Where are you going? Wh-Where are you taking me? Put me down! Help! I'm being taken!
Quote from Phil
Claire: [aside to camera] While he was away on a business trip Phil got a terrible ear infection and the doctor said he could burst an eardrum if he flew.
Phil: [on virtual presence device] I was devastated to miss Alex's graduation until I realized I didn't have to!
Claire: I got to hold up my phone for two hours so Phil could see the graduation live.
Phil: Bet I was the only dad there not wearing pants.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Hey Gloria, would you tell your cousin to stop leaving his trash everywhere? It's been five days of this nonsense. He comes in here eats all my food, drinks all my booze and never so much as does a dish.
Gloria: Yes, so different from what all those white people over there are doing.
Jay: You got a blind spot for the deadbeat yahoos in your family.
Gloria: He's not a yahoo, and don't say that in front of him!
Jay: He doesn't speak English!
Gloria: He understands it.
Jay: Oh, really? Fire! Run! Fire!