Mitchell: Oh, and you've... you've got to be relieved, too. I mean, every time we hang out with our friends, they leave and you spend the rest of the night complaining about how every single one of them annoys you.
Cameron: I don't know what you're talking about!
Mitchell: Oh, please. Jotham's cheap. L'Michael has bad breath.
Cameron: That doesn't sound like me!
Mitchell: Antonio's weave is falling apart. Vincent's a sloppy drunk. Oh, oh, Jeffrey won't stop telling his one Bernadette Peters story.
Jeffrey: You're the sloppy drunk!
Cameron: Surprise!

[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Here's a thing I realized. You can't get older if you never have birthdays.
[flashback:]
All: ♪ Happy birth... ♪
[Gloria puts out the candles on the cake with the dish-washing hose]
Jay: What'd I tell you?
Manny: I thought this would be the year.

Haley: Now, you listen to me. My roller-coastering hormones cannot handle another lecture from my mother right now, so you are going to tell me a secret that I will reveal to everyone if you ever spill mine!
Cameron: Yeah, but I don't have any secrets.
Haley: Mm?
Mitchell: [whispering] Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo, he puts the makeup everywhere.
Haley: Mm. You're the best.

Luke: [aside to camera] Because of the whole 21 thing, people don't think turning 20 is a big deal. But it's all I've been thinking about for the last three years.

Luke: Hey. Three years ago, I came in here, and when I saw you, I fell in love. The kind of love that punches you in the gut and makes you wanna be a better man. But when I asked you out, you said, "Sorry, kid. You're cute, but I don't date teenagers." Well, check it out.
Woman: Oh! Happy birthday! But now I don't date men.
Luke: Oh. Well, looks like I've got a decision to make.

Dylan: Here, Mrs. Dunphy. This is from me and Haley.
Claire: Mm, thank you, Dylan. Although I have to say, you have given me enough gifts this year already.
Dylan: Again, I'm very sorry about impregnating your daughter.

[aside to camera:]
Joe: Manny and I share a birthday, so I always do something big to get attention.
[flashback:]
Joe: Look! No hands!
Jay: Way to go, kid!
Gloria: Bravo, papi!
Phil: Hey, guys! Check it out. Unicycling to my piano lesson.
Gloria: Wow! We're so proud of you!
Jay: Now, that's impressive.
Phil: Happy birthday, Joe!
Joe: It was! [throws helmet]

Gloria: Uncle Grumpy, why are you so angry? [as Uncle Grumpy] Because the President wants to build a wall!
[normal] Ay, yeah, that is very sad. [Uncle Grumpy] Sad for me, because I have no money and I am ugly. For you, he would let you in because you have money and you have the boobs. [;aughter]
Alex: I never thought Uncle Grumpy would go political.

Manny: I still can't believe Sherry said no and broke up with me.
Jay: [whispering] What does he expect? He's 20 years old. He proposed in front of his family at a pretend restaurant.

Alex: [aside to camera] Haley and I have had this plan for years that when I turn 21, we'd hit the bars together. But since she's pregnant, I was drinking for two. Technically, four.