Jay: Dylan!
Gloria: Is everything okay?
Dylan: [sighs] No. Everything's amazing.
Manny: Why would you say it that way?

Jay: Is this the Dunphy suite?
Gloria: Oh, how's the mommy?
Claire: Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go.
Jay: How you doing, kiddo?
Luke: A little tired. I overdid it last night.
Phil: [chuckling] I don't think he was talking to you, buddy. It's overwhelming. Just feeling so many different emotions.
Haley: I'm also doing great. I have a son and a daughter, and once they washed them off, they were really cute.

Jay: Phil, this is for you. It's a little early birthday present. And I admit, this one is a re-gift.
Phil: "World's Best Grandfather." It's the mug I gave you when Haley was born. You kept it all these years.
Jay: Yeah. But, uh... it's yours now. I don't need it anymore. I got a new title.
Alex: "Great grandma"?
Jay: Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one. Here.
Gloria: I'm going to count to three.
Jay: Yeah.

Manny: Hey, how was your recital, Phil?
Haley: Oh, I messed it all up for him. Sorry about that, Dad. I-I know that was your big goal for the year.
Phil: I have a better one now. Mi ano fue hermoso.
Claire: Mm.
Phil: My year was beautiful.
Gloria: "Año" means "year." "Ano" means "anus."
Phil: Still works.

Dylan: Hey, everybody.
Gloria: [gasps] Ay, where are the babies? I want to see them.
Dylan: There's no easy way to say this. Mitch and Cam have a whole thing they want to do.
Jay: Oh, God. It's worse than I thought.