Cameron: Okay, why do you look so satisfied? Did you just listen to an NPR story that proved you right about something?

Mitchell: No, no, but you know Tom, the friend that Lily's playing with?
Cameron: Well, I know of him. We haven't formally been introduced.
Mitchell: Well, it turns out that Tom used to identify as Tina.
Cameron: Oh, I wish you wouldn't have told me. You know how proud I am of my gender identificadar.

Mitchell: Well, Tom's been having some problems at school, and- and Lily has been really respectful of him.
Cameron: Oh, she is so sweet.
Mitchell: She really is. She gets all the credit on this one.
Cameron: Uh-huh.
Mitchell: This so doesn't matter.
Cameron: We raised her to have an open mind.
Mitchell: Totally. We deserve some kudos here, too.
Cameron: There's enough kudos for everyone.
Mitchell: You know, a kudo would be an excellent name for a parenting award.
Cameron: Oh, thank you, Gwyneth. Lily, if you're still watching, go to bed.

Margaret: I just had some messages. Luke's guidance counselor - Luke fell asleep in class again. Haley's car payment is late. And the credit-card company. Phil made a large purchase on a Tibetan website called CopingCandles.com.
Claire: Tell the creative team to get their giggles out. I'll be ready for them in 10.

[aside to camera:]
Claire: But when you've been the bummer all day at work, you don't love having to be the bummer at home, too.
[flashback:]
Claire: [on the phone] Hi, honey. Is your brother around? I need to yell at him.
Alex: Of course he's around. Why would he leave me in peace to do some work at the kitchen table when he could just barge in and- Luke! Game down! This is your senior year, also known as your last year to not suck.
Phil: Honey.
Alex: Dad, you hit "place order" once, and then you wait for the confirmation.
Phil: I'm sorry.
Alex: Don't be sorry! Be smart!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: That angry screeching was the sweet sound of my new home bummer.

Alex: [on the phone] I'm just so tired and in pain and irritable. It just makes me so mad at everyone. Sorry for yelling, Mom. Why were you calling again?
Claire: I forgot. [chuckles]
Alex: Damn it, Mom! Write it down next time!

Gloria: Input. Input!
Jay: Please don't throw the remote again.
Gloria: Oh, I was just, like, trying to get signal. Don't blame me about breaking the other ones. One got stepped on, and the other one fell down the garbage disposal.

Jay: Listen, it's such a nice day. Let's go outside.
Miles: Isn't your backyard nicer?
Jay: Nah. It's all pool and chairs. So, how you been, buddy?
Miles: I want to tell you everything is okay so you won't worry, but things have been real bad.
Jay: You know what might help? You pop that hat off, you get a little sun on your face.
Miles: Ooh! The sun is rough on my eyes. I cry almost every day. Pretty much, the only time I'm happy is when I clean my gun.
Jay: Yeah, life, huh? Here, give me a hug.

Miles: Why do you need them to know you have a black friend?
Jay: I'm putting security cameras in the same day they move in.
Miles: I'm mad about that, but it feels good to be held.
Jay: Come here. Come here.

Cameron: We brought cupcakes. Manny, cupcake?
Manny: Oh, I see. Fill my mouth with bourgie opiates so I can't speak for the people?
Cameron: That was a lot.
Gloria: He's trying to get a Communist girl to kiss him.