Mitchell: Again, I'm... I'm so sorry that you can't stay upstairs. We have this new renter coming in, and...
Pam: Cram it. I know you didn't send that letter.
Mitchell: What? H-How?
Pam: That don't matter. All that matters is you're gonna pay.
Mitchell: Oh...
Pam: In prison, they called me BOTOX, because even though all the ladies want me, I will wreck your face.

Manny: Sherry, I-I don't know if I like these. They're so short.
Sherry: No, that's the style, boo.
Manny: I just don't know if I have the ankles for this.
Gloria: Yeah, those pants are no good for Latin people. They make you look like you're trying to run across a river.

Gloria: Manny, we should start sending invitations for your birthday party.
Sherry: Oh, but I thought we were gonna go to the Ojai Mime and Wine Festival for your birthday?
Manny: Oh, yeah, maybe we shouldn't do the party, Mom.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: This is crazy. Manny's terrified of mimes. And he hates Central Valley wine.

Gloria: Anyways, we have a problem. Sherry is bossing Manny around.
Jay: Oof, that's a lot to take in. Can you cook these up with that special sauce you do?
Gloria: You have to go and tell him that he needs to stand up for himself.
Jay: Why me? I don't think we should get involved at all, but, I mean, if it's a problem for you, then you do it, 'cause I don't care.
Gloria: I can't. If I say something bad about Manny's girlfriend, he's not gonna listen, because I am the mother who thinks that nobody's good enough for her little boy.
Jay: Just let it go.
Gloria: I can't because she's not good enough for my little boy.

Jay: Hey, kid. I need to talk to you about you and your girlfriend. It's a sensitive subject.
Manny: If this is about the sounds coming from my room last night, it wasn't what you think. We were rearranging the furniture, and then we were congratulating each other on how it turned out.
Jay: Sadly, I believe you. I thought you liked your furniture exactly like it was? We fired two cleaning women over this.

Haley: I know it's not perfect, but we've got this. We're a lot more grown up than you think.
Dylan: Haley, can I talk to you for a second in the kitchen?
Haley: Yeah.
Dylan: Uh, that was the doctor. We're supposed to be there right now.
Haley: Oh, my God. The ultrasound! I totally spaced! We can't let my mom find out.
Dylan: Um, let's just make up something responsible and get out of here.
Haley: Okay.
Dylan: Okay.
Haley: So, we need to go and get toothbrushes.
Claire: You should've put up a sheet. We heard everything. You missed your first ultrasound appointment?

Claire: Who's the doctor?
Haley: We found her on Yelp.
Dylan: She has, like, four stars.
Haley: Mm-hmm.
Claire: So does the sushi place that gave Luke worms. I'm coming with you.

Mitchell: Hey, there's my favorite sister-in-law. I, uh... I got you a Popsicle, and the stick has a joke on it. Um, "How do you fix a broken gorilla?" Mm, well, I guess we're gonna find out soon.
Pam: Sticks are good for more than joking. In prison, I learned how to fashion all manner of sticks into knives.

Mitchell: What do you want from me?
Pam: Miles.
Mitchell: Uh, what?
Pam: I know all you fancy people have rewards cards. Being all cooped up has given me the travel bug.
Mitchell: But I've been saving those. I bought groceries at a gas station for six months to get triple points. For... For Lily's birthday breakfast, we gave her something called Pop Zarts.
Pam: I want them in my account by the end of the day or I tell Cameron.
Mitchell: But I almost have enough for two off-peak flights to Paris.
Pam: Ha, "monkey wrench."
Mitchell: Yeah, that's putting it mildly.
Pam: No, that's how you fix a broken gorilla, you dummy.

Gloria: Oh, there you are. How did it go?
Jay: Not well. He got all mad, called me old-fashioned. Me... the guy who bought Alex a book on successful business ladies.
Female voice: Sorry, I didn't understand that. Please try again.
Jay: Why does that coffee grinder keep talking to me?