Dr. Singh: Haley, have you been taking your prenatal vitamins?
Claire: I'll make sure she does from now on.
Haley: Calm down, Mom. I can remember to take a pill every day.
Claire: Can you?

Dr. Singh: Haley, breathe. You're having twins.
Haley: [laughs] That's impossible. It's a mistake.
Dr. Singh: It's not. I'm pretty good at this.
Dylan: She's right. You can see them right here.
Haley: I can't have twins. That's twice as many babies as we were expecting.
Dylan: Yeah, they'll outnumber us.
Haley: How are they gonna fit in our place? How are they gonna fit in my body? One is always going to be awake. I'll never sleep again. And those double-strollers are so wide, I can say goodbye to ever shopping in a boutique.

Claire: I'll be here.
Haley: Yeah, but you kind of haven't been lately.
Claire: I know, I know, and I'm very sorry about that, but as you're about to find out, being a mom is very complicated. Luckily, there are these instincts that kick in, especially when your kid's in trouble. So if you're ever overwhelmed, I am right over your shoulder on the wings of a hummingbird.
Dr. Singh: Now I know where she got the brownie.
Dylan: And I'll be right behind you on that hummingbird, Mrs. D.
Claire: It's kind of a hummingbird for one.

Jay: Okay, Manny and his girlfriend are good. Let's boil and broil.
Gloria: Thank you, Jay. Two sausages coming up.
Jay: Two? What, am I in a boy band? Make 'em all.

Phil: Dylan seems like he's getting his life together, but he's still a wild card at best.
Jay: I know exactly how you feel.
Phil: I guess you do. I was your wild card, huh?
Jay: I didn't have a lot of faith. Didn't you have feathers hanging off your ear?
Phil: It was a dream catcher.
Jay: It was my nightmare.

Phil: [cellphone chimes] Huh. Haley and Dylan are gonna have to move back in with us. That's okay. I can handle that. [cellphone swooshes] She's having twins.
Jay: Let's get you a sausage.

[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: It was a box of clothes Pam asked her mom to ship to her three days ago.
[flashback:]
Mitchell: You faked that breakdown so you could stay here.
Pam: Well done, Counselor.
Mitchell: See, this is why I couldn't write that letter for you. You have no remorse for your lying, stealing ways, but I... I am on to you, and I am going to make you pay.
Pam: [scoffs] No, you ain't. You tiny.
Mitchell: Hey, hey, are those our lamps? Pam?