Dylan: Dr. Singh, that is some exquisite gel work, and I say that as a soon-to-be nurse and someone who wears a lot of product in his hair.

Dr. Singh: [thudding] There's the heartbeat.
Haley: Oh, it... it sounds so fast, is everything okay?
Dylan: No, that's good. That's the way a baby's heart should sound.
Dr. Singh: He's right. It's the sound of a very healthy... oh!
Both: What?
Dr. Singh: [thudding] There's a second heartbeat.
Haley: A baby with two hearts? I didn't know I was pregnant when I ate that brownie!

Jay: How's the move going?
Phil: So good. Really good. Good, good, good, good.
Jay: That's good.
Phil: No, it's not. It's a disaster. The place is too small. Everything needs fixing. I'm trying to stay calm, but... There's a hole in the ceiling, Jay... A hole in the ceiling. Rain is gonna fall on the crib. What... What happens if a... an owl picks up a-a pinecone and drops it? My grandchild's gonna get hit with a pinecone!
Jay: Don't be silly. What would an owl be doing with a pinecone? At the most, it would be a mouse or a baby gopher.

Phil: I think I see what you're saying. If I can become awesome, so can Dylan.
Jay: That's not what I'm saying. Who the hell knows what's gonna happen? Let me tell you something about life. We all have this illusion that we're in control. I wanted to play pro football, some guy takes my knee out. I graduate from school, I'm gonna drive my motorcycle across the country, and some suit pulls my draft number. I worked my ass off to send my daughter to college, some juggler knocks her up.
Phil: Again, sir, I'm very sorry about that.
Jay: I put in the years, I build my business so I don't have to answer to anyone, and I still have to jump through hoops to get a damn sausage.
Phil: You lost me there at that last part.
Jay: Look, all I'm saying is things are always gonna change, and you have to deal with it. But the good news is, five years from now while you're playing with your grandkid, you won't even remember today.

Jay: Actually, that's what I don't want to talk to you about. Is it possible Sherry pushes you around?
Manny: What are you saying?
Jay: I don't know. Be the man, you know. Show some backbone.
Manny: That is such a you thing to say.
Jay: It really isn't.
Manny: It's such an old way of looking at relationships. Gender roles don't matter anymore.
Jay: Is that why you're wearing her pants?
Manny: Let me tell you something, Jay. Just like long pants, toxic machismo has gone out of style.
Jay: Yeah. Yeah, masculinity's bad till someone has to kill a spider.

Claire: Honey, I had a dream last night that they left the baby in an Uber, and I had to shrink myself down to commandeer a hummingbird to find it.
Phil: I'm just glad it wasn't another Jake Tapper sex dream.
Claire: I'm mad. I'm scared they're in over their heads...
Phil: Claire, it's happening. They're having the baby. The train's left the station. et on board.
Claire: [sighs] Fine. You're right. You're right. I'll... I'll try to be positive.
Phil: Good. I was gonna go pick up a house-warming gift for them. Why don't you come with me?
Claire: Oh, okay, let's do that. Wait a second. How do you board a train that's already left the station?
Phil: I don't know. Maybe you could catch up to them on a hummingbird with Jake Tapper.

Cameron: Well, you're off the hook. I'm flying to Branson solo, and I guess I'll be sitting next to a stranger at The Osmond Brothers: A Tribute to Hip Hop.
Mitchell: Well, I'll catch them when they come to Compton, but thank you.

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: My sister, Pam, is coming to pick up Cal to... to take him back to Missouri. She was supposed to be in prison another three months, but my wonderful husband, Assistant D.A. Pritchett, wrote a letter advocating for her early release.
Mitchell: It was nothing.
[separably to camera:]
Mitchell: It actually was nothing. I never wrote any letter. It just... It didn't feel right. Pam showed no remorse, and her sentence was fair. And... And then for some reason, they decided to let her out early anyway. Fortunately, uh, parole records are sealed, so Pam and Cam will never know, and I don't have to go to Branson and hear the Osmonds ask if they can get a "what-what."

Cameron: Cal, that's your mom! She's back from her, um... trip?
Lily: Up the river.

Cameron: Oh, Pam, it is so great that you're out. It must've been so lonely in there.
Pam: Well, there was some companionship.
Cameron: Good.
Pam: I dabbled in lesbianism.
Mitchell: Oh.
Pam: Didn't hate it. But there was just too much talking afterwards.