Reese: Just remember, Mom, in a world of lies, truth is your only weapon. [off everyone's looks] What? It's not?

Malcolm: [on the phone] Hey, Francis. You know Mom's traffic ticket? Well, I have a videotape, and it shows that Mom really was at fault, and...
Francis: She was wrong?
Malcolm: Yeah, and now I'm trying to figure...
Francis: What are you talking to me for? You have incontrovertible proof that Mom was wrong. Shove it in her face.
Malcolm: Francis, I don't think that's a good idea.
Francis: Are you kidding? It's brilliant. From now on, whenever she gets all high-and-mighty with us, we can just throw this back at her.
Malcolm: Francis, I can't. If I show Mom this tape, she'll go crazy and then she'll kill the messenger, which is me. You're asking me to commit suicide.
Francis: And think of the look on her face!

Craig: Lois, Lois... I give Officer Stockton a discount. You know, policeman's discount? [whispers] 100% off?
Lois: Craig, I can't do that.
Craig: But, Lois...
Officer Stockton: Don't worry about it. It's okay, Greg. [walks away]
Craig: It's "Craig." [to Lois] What are you, crazy? Don't you know how this works? We scratch his back, he scratches ours? We give him a few candy bars, he looks out for us. It's called protection.
Lois: Craig, we have been robbed five times in the last six months.
Craig: Lois, think of all the places he gets free stuff from. He can't be everywhere at once.