Malcolm: We thought it would be best if we showed it to you first.
Hal: Well, I can't say that I'm glad you did, but I-I guess you did the right thing.
Reese: Someone should show it to her.
Hal: Not it.
Malcolm: Dad!
Hal: Okay, but we need to ease her into this. Pick the right moment. This is a very delicate matter.
Lois: [o.s.] Hal!
Hal: [hits eject button] Come on, come on, come on, come on... [hides VCR tape in Dewey's pants]
Lois: I swear, that cop was following me on the way home.
Hal: Oh, come on, Lois. I don't think he'd follow you. I'm sure he's got better things to do.

Hal: What do you think you're doing here?
Officer Stockton: My commander informed me that you made a request for my records, which, of course, is your right, so I thought I'd take a drive over and deliver them to you myself. Nice house.
Lois: Don't you try to intimidate me.
Officer Stockton: All I said was you have a nice house.
Lois: First you follow me home and now you're making vague threats? Well, it's not going to work. You are going to be so sorry you messed with me.
Officer Stockton: Have a nice evening, ma'am.
Lois: You are going down, mister. You hear me?! You are going down! I don't care how long it takes or how much money it costs! I'm going to win because I am right!
Hal: There's something you have to see.

Lois: I expect you to believe me.
Hal: Lois, in the past 20 years you have never admitted that you were wrong. And as far as I know, you've never needed to. But the facts are right there in front of your eyes, and this time you are wrong. And if you can't see that, well, that's just plain crazy.
Lois: I am not crazy. The tape is wrong. It has to be.
Hal: Well, wha-what are you saying, that someone doctored it?
Lois: No, I... I, I- I know... I know it wasn't doctored. I'm just saying that it's wrong. I know what happened, and I know that I'm right.
Hal: Okay, honey, that may be, but me and the rest of the world tend to believe what we see, and everything is pointing to you being wrong. The universe is telling you to give up. It's time to let it go.
Lois: Well, that's not fair.
Hal: You know what's not fair, Lois? Having to be right all the time. That's a terrible burden. Wouldn't it be a relief just to let go?
Lois: You want me to say that I'm wrong even when I know I'm right?
Hal: Yes, yes, that's exactly what I want. I know it doesn't happen very often, Lois, but you have been beaten. Let go.

Malcolm: [to camera] Here are the house rules: You can't reach for seconds until you're finished with your first, but as soon as anybody's fork leaves the perimeter of their plate, all bets are off.
[As Malcolm and Reese fence with their forks for the last piece of chicken, they accidentally knock the plate and send the piece of chicken flying to the floor. Malcolm and Reese both dive to grab it from the dirty, dusty floor.]
Malcolm: It's mine!

Officer Stockton: How's it going?
Lois: Not bad. In five minutes I get my soul back for the night. And you?
Officer Stockton: Can't complain.
Lois: That's $6.24.
Officer Stockton: I- I'm... I'm sorry. What?
Lois: Your total is $6.24. Uh, is there a problem?
Officer Stockton: No, it's just that, uh... your assistant manager and I we have an arrangement.
Lois: I wouldn't know anything about that.
Officer Stockton: I've only got $3.00.
Lois: Well, you can put back the magazine.

Lois: You?
Officer Stockton: License and registration, please.
Lois: What's this all about?
Officer Stockton: You impeded traffic. When you pulled out, that Volkswagen had to slam on its brakes.
Lois: What Volkswagen? I looked over to my left when I pulled out. There was no car.
Officer Stockton: License and registration, ma'am.
Lois: [sighs] All right. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. It's 'cause I made you pay for that ice tea.
Officer Stockton: Oh, was that you? [drinks iced tea] Now, you just sit tight. I got to do some paperwork, run a computer check. It may take a little while. The computer's kind of slow.
Lois: Yeah, well, knock yourself out. My record is clean.

Malcolm: Mom, there's no way Francis can come up with that kind of money. [off Lois's look] Which is... what he should have thought of... before he did that bad, bad thing.m

Lois: See, Hal, it's a clear case of entrapment. The cop doesn't get his free ice tea so he trumps up a cockamamie ticket. Well, we're going to fight this.
Hal: Well, honey, let's think about this a second. You know it's going to be your word against his, and judges usually side with the police.
Lois: Yeah, that's what he's counting on. That's why he thinks he can get away with lying. Well, I'm not going to let him 'cause I know I'm right.
Hal: I know that, honey, but what if something does go wrong? I mean, I'm not sure we can afford the bump in the insurance.
Lois: I am not going to lose. I'm in the right and I'll find a way to prove it.
Hal: Okay, okay, if that's what you want to do. You have our total support.

Officer Stockton: Howdy, ma'am. How was jail?
Lois: Fine, thank you. Shouldn't you be out planting drugs on someone?
Officer Stockton: Yes, I was planning to go do that right after I pay full price for my ice tea.
Lois: I'm fighting the ticket, you know.
Officer Stockton: Well, then, I look forward to seeing you in court. Drive safely... whenever you get your car back.

Malcolm: Hey, do you know where Craig is? Your assistant manager? Big guy, smells like cabbage? [stock boy points to the warehouse] Thanks.