Lois: By the time I came back, there were adult diapers all over the loading dock.
Hal: [laughs] That's wonderful. Oh, I hear a coconut that needs refreshing. One more Beach Frolic coming up. So, go on.
Lois: I'm finished. That's my entire day.
Hal: Mine, too. Huh, how about that? Do you realize that we have never told each other our entire day before?
Lois: That's amazing. I wonder what else I've never told you.
Hal: Think, Lois. I want to know everything.
Lois: I had a pet turtle named Lee Majors. He gave my whole family salmonella.
Hal: I thought I loved you four seconds ago...

Lois: I miss the rotary phone, too. It made you slow down. Think about what you're gonna say.
Hal: Yeah, exactly. Now it's bup-bup-bup and there they are whether you're ready or not.

Hal: How is it I didn't know about this until now?
Lois: Well, I guess we just never had time to talk about it. Are you okay?
Hal: Yeah, yeah. It's silly to ruin tiki time over this. I will refresh our drinks. Oh, I can't do this! You've ruined it.
Lois: Why?
Hal: Because for the last 20 years I've assumed we'd be spending eternity together. And if you don't believe that, then you won't be there.
Lois: Is that the rule?
Hal: Nothing about this place is right anymore. It feels like that New Zealand Mocking Mask is... mocking me.
Lois: Hal, I didn't say this to upset you.
Hal: I know.
Lois: Can we talk about it?
Hal: I think we've talked enough. I'm going to go take kind of a long walk now. But you stay. Enjoy your rum-tumbler.

Lois: Why can't we just get past this?
Hal: I don't know. Why the hell did we think that talking to each other was a good idea?
Lois: We were having fun and we got greedy. Now look at us.
Hal: We used to have no time at all for each other, and it worked great.
Lois: We should warn people. Write a book. Go on Oprah.

Hal: You know what would help?
Lois: What?
Hal: If you changed your mind and told me that you believed in heaven.
Lois: You want me to lie to you?
Hal: It's not lying if what you say would be true if the facts were different. I'll work with whatever you give me. If you just say the words, you'll be giving me a tiny little gray area where I can live in peace for the rest of my life. I can live in gray, Lois. Let me live in gray!
Lois: Hal, I'm sorry, I have to tell you the truth.
Hal: Why?
Lois: Because it's what I believe in. It's what I hang onto. The truth is all that I have. If I could give it up for anybody, I would give it up for you, but I just can't.
Hal: [whines] Heaven's going to suck!

Lois: Hey, Malcolm, the place looks great. Look at all these balloons. This is going to be a fun night.
Malcolm: If watching your son be humiliated in front of the whole school is your idea of fun.
Lois: What are you talking about? You're finally getting the attention you always wanted.

Lois: Oh, come on, honey. I know you're upset. Let's try to have some fun tonight.
Hal: Sure. If the here and now is all we've got, then let's enjoy it in all its beauty and wonder. I'll get us some churros.

Hal: I mean, what do you do when your concept of eternity is wrapped up in a person that doesn't believe in eternity? I mean, does this eternity even exist?
Boy: You might want to talk to a senior.

Malcolm: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Monte Carlo Night auction. Please gather around. It's a wonderful night and a wonderful cause. I have to say that the members of the North High Boosters have really taught me so much about the true spirit of charity. So instead of the items listed in the program, we came up with some new items, which I think people will be very excited to bid on. First item up: Our own Stephanie Wright has agreed to put up for auction, a photograph of herself from eighth grade With her original nose!
Girl #1: Ten dollars!
Girl #2: 20!
Girl #3: 30!
Girl #4: 40!
Girl #5: 50!
Girl #6: 85 dollars!
Malcolm: Sold! Next up: Wayne Finster, for the right price, has volunteered to read out loud all the notes his mother puts in his lunch every day.
Boy #1: Five dollars!
Boy #2: Ten!
Boy #3: 25!
Boy #4: 58 dollars and 25 cents!
Malcolm: Sold! Next item: Our club president, Phillip, has agreed to show the video his dad took of him crying after he got pulled from the Madison football game.
Boy #1: 50 dollars!
Boy #2: 60!
Boy #3: 70!
Boy #4: 80!
Malcolm: Sold! Wow. Over 200 dollars in 30 seconds. I think we've shown what the Booster spirit is really all about.
Stephanie: That is so much money! We're raising so much money! For an extra 50 dollars, I'll throw in a picture of me from before fat camp! In a bikini!
Girl #1: 50 dollars!
Girl #2: 60!
Wayne: I also have notes from my shrink!
Boy #1: 80 bucks!
Boy #2: 90!
Philip: And my dad taped me singing "Skater Boy" into a hairbrush!
Boy #1: 75 bucks!
Boy #2: 80!
Boy #3: 90! [applause]
Malcolm: Our next item up for bid is me. I will let the top bidder cover my mouth with duct tape every morning for a week. [overlapping chatter]

Lois: Well, that was quite an auction.
Malcolm: Yeah. This was one of the best nights of my life. And I learned something about myself. I was having this giant conflict about my principles, but it was really just about my own pride. And all I had to do to fix it is get over myself.
Lois: Excuse me. Hal? I've changed my mind. I do believe in heaven.
Hal: I knew it! [chuckles] Oh, I always knew you believed in heaven. [to the girl at the booth] Keep the whistle. I'm good.