Reese: Jamie. Come on, just try it. It's easy.
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Dewey: He's trying to teach Jamie to smoke.
Reese: Since we're stuck watching him, I figured we might as well do something cool with him. What's cooler than a smoking baby?
Malcolm: Why don't you just shoot him out of a cannon?
Reese: Come on, he could be famous. You know, "Jamie, that smokin' baby." He could do talk shows or tour with rock bands. But he doesn't even care.
Dewey: Give him a break. He's not even two.
Reese: I'm not mad that he won't light the cigarette. I'm mad that he won't try. I think he's stupid. Look, pal, we missed the chance to raise you inside a Sparklet's bottle. This is our last shot. We're not going to move. We're going to sit here for as long as it takes. [Reese sniffs] Aw, man! You did that on purpose. You going to play it that way, fine. Now it's war.

Reese: Look at me play with this great toy, and I'm not gonna share it! Whee! This is fun! [to Dewey] I'm not gonna turn around. Is he getting pissed?
Dewey: He's eating his foot.
Reese: Nice cover. I'm getting to him.
Dewey: You're having a feud with a toddler.
Reese: And you don't think he's playing that for all it's worth?

Philip: All right, and that brings us to the auction.
Malcolm: It's gonna be horrible, but not because I'm not busting my butt. I've been hitting up people all around town, trying to get decent stuff that people will actually bid on, but no one's interested!
Philip: Well, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can. Meeting adjourned.
Mr. Herkabe: [to Malcolm] I can't believe that this is what happens when you actually try.

Hal: We have to be home by 9:30. The baby-sitter said her halfway house goes into lockdown at 10:00.
Lois: Okay, did she tell you about the mobile over Jamie's crib? She said it looked like somebody took a saw and cut almost all the way through it.
Reese: That's weird. It's not like he has any enemies or anything.

Mr. Herkabe: Hello, Malc.
Malcolm: Malc?
Mr. Herkabe: You'll have to forgive me, I'm feeling very odd tonight. What is it called when you look around and you are not filled with festering rage?
Malcolm: Being moderately happy?
Mr. Herkabe: That is it! I am moderately happy. I have brake pads, and enough left over for a side mirror. And now I find that there's a wine tasting booth with an incredibly under-priced Riesling, just 25 cents a glass. So, if you'll excuse me, I think I saw a slightly drunk Ms. Bartlett headed for the ladies' room.

Reese: I can't wait to see the look on Jamie's face tomorrow when he tries to tickle what's left of Elmo. Then he'll be sorry he started this. Stupid baby.
Dewey: Reese, let me ask you. When you end up in a situation like this, does it ever even occur to you to stop and figure out how you got there?
Reese: And let him win?

Victor: That's it, Mr. Herkabe, you just broke the North High bank.
Mr. Herkabe: Sometimes you're kissed by the gods.
Victor: Your trip to the corndog cart has been comped.
Mr. Herkabe: I should hope so. Ladies.

Reese: Jamie, we need to talk. I'm calling a truce. I know you're willing to keep going it gets, and I respect that. But I realized something. Malcolm and Dewey are both geniuses, so they're gonna team up against us. And since you and I are both mentally the same, we should team up, too. Otherwise, they're gonna do something horrible to us, and we probably won't even understand it. So here.
[After Reese hands Jamie a cookie, Jamie hands him a green marker pen]
Reese: Hey, thanks.
[After Jamie walks off, Lois opens the front door and notices green scribbles all over the wall and door]
Lois: Reese, what the hell is wrong with you?!
Reese: What?

Hal: I'll pick up Dewey from his piano lesson. And you're waiting for the dry wall guy?
Lois: Yeah, but you got to get the vacuum. I'll take the boys for their haircuts, and go pay the phone bill.
Hal: All right. By the way, the dermatologist called. He said that the lump on my back is just-
Malcolm: [o.s.] Don't put it out with more fire, moron!
Hal: Oh, my God.
[Hal and Lois rush out of their room, only to be drawn back when they hear Jamie crying. They turn around and leave again when they hear a crashing sound outside.]
[later:]
Hal: "I don't care if it's only a little poisonous. Get rid of it." So he said it was just an ingrown hair.
Lois: What?
Hal: The lump.
Lois: Oh, good. That was 18 hours ago. That's the last time we talked to each other?
Hal: Oh, my God.
Lois: I mean...
Hal: Oh, my God.
Lois: We talk to each other 20 seconds a day?!
Hal: Don't worry, honey. This is a problem, but I will take care of it.

Mr. Herkabe: I would like to officially welcome my young friend Malcolm to the North High Booster Club. It's a very rewarding day for all of us, who care so much about... Whatever it is you do.