Malcolm: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Monte Carlo Night auction. Please gather around. It's a wonderful night and a wonderful cause. I have to say that the members of the North High Boosters have really taught me so much about the true spirit of charity. So instead of the items listed in the program, we came up with some new items, which I think people will be very excited to bid on. First item up: Our own Stephanie Wright has agreed to put up for auction, a photograph of herself from eighth grade With her original nose!
Girl #1: Ten dollars!
Girl #2: 20!
Girl #3: 30!
Girl #4: 40!
Girl #5: 50!
Girl #6: 85 dollars!
Malcolm: Sold! Next up: Wayne Finster, for the right price, has volunteered to read out loud all the notes his mother puts in his lunch every day.
Boy #1: Five dollars!
Boy #2: Ten!
Boy #3: 25!
Boy #4: 58 dollars and 25 cents!
Malcolm: Sold! Next item: Our club president, Phillip, has agreed to show the video his dad took of him crying after he got pulled from the Madison football game.
Boy #1: 50 dollars!
Boy #2: 60!
Boy #3: 70!
Boy #4: 80!
Malcolm: Sold! Wow. Over 200 dollars in 30 seconds. I think we've shown what the Booster spirit is really all about.
Stephanie: That is so much money! We're raising so much money! For an extra 50 dollars, I'll throw in a picture of me from before fat camp! In a bikini!
Girl #1: 50 dollars!
Girl #2: 60!
Wayne: I also have notes from my shrink!
Boy #1: 80 bucks!
Boy #2: 90!
Philip: And my dad taped me singing "Skater Boy" into a hairbrush!
Boy #1: 75 bucks!
Boy #2: 80!
Boy #3: 90! [applause]
Malcolm: Our next item up for bid is me. I will let the top bidder cover my mouth with duct tape every morning for a week. [overlapping chatter]