Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Malcolm, listen, I need to know what Mom used to put in the hot tea when we were sick. Is she around?
Malcolm: I think she's changing the sheets on their bed. Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding. So, did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?
Malcolm: I can't be sure, but I think Grandpa spit at me.
Francis: Look, don't take it personally. They're primeval creatures with tiny little hearts.
Malcolm: Yeah, but there must be some reason...
Francis: Malcolm, they have stupid lizard brains. They're threatened by anyone with an ounce of ambition or intelligence. They'd eat you if they had better teeth.

Hal: Never thought I'd beat you home.
Lois: Uh, they had us keep both registers open till midnight. What kind of idiot needs a beach ball at 11:00 at night? Did you make the kids' lunches?
Hal: Oh, right. No, not yet. I've been kind of tied up here. You know, I discovered something kind of interesting, yeah. Now, it appears the circular cubes cool quicker, but the crescent ones last longer.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Hal, will you quit playing around? That is a rectal thermometer.
Hal: I'm going to go brush my teeth.

Lois: Sorry about the takeout. I don't know what the deal is with the fridge.
Victor: What do you expect? That brand is dishufka.
Ida: [to Dewey] That's it. Fatten up on pizza. Good luck running when they come with the dogs and chase you into the hills.

Victor: We're back. Still no parents? If you're going to work all the time, don't have children.
Malcolm: Hey, I wanted ice cream.
Reese: I don't blame you.
Malcolm: Why do they always do that? They take you for ice cream and stuff and never ask me.
Reese: I've thought about that. And I think they see me as the protector of the bloodline. If the future's half as bad as Grandpa and I suspect, the only survivors are going to be mutants, cockroaches and me... all living underwater. Let's face it: they're backing a winner. Oh, man, I'm stuffed. I shouldn't have had a second one.

Hal: Why don't we sit down? First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love. That's not my place. And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway. $3,000 sound okay to you?
Victor: What?
Hal: Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed on my car.
Victor: Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So... this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.
Ida: It's like your brother Vasclev all over again.

Lois: So, which one of these pinks do you want to let float this month, cable or Visa?
Hal: Oh, we can probably go without cable. You know, it might be fun. We'll get together as a family, play board games, sing songs.
Lois: Okay, you made your point. We'll pay the cable.

Victor: [gestures at Malcolm] This one, always on phone.
Francis: [on the phone to Malcolm] That's Grandpa, isn't it? Tell him I said he's a malevolent, poisonous troll.
Malcolm: Francis says, "Hi."
Victor: No-good delinquent.
Malcolm: He says "Hi" back.

Lois: So, you just decided to hop in the car and drive on down from Canada without calling ahead, huh? How fun!
Hal: Yeah, how long do you think you'll be staying?
Ida: If we're such big inconvenience, we go right now.

Eric: Damn, Francis, you should have known better than to eat sushi at a truck stop.
Joe: Hey, the cashier said the yellowtail was fresh. Besides, my octopus was excellent.
Francis: Can we not talk about the fish, please?
Drew: [enters] Guys, it's like a war zone out there. There's looting, rioting, and now the cops are turning a fire hose on the crowd.
All: Wet T-shirts!

Hal: You know, I think it's great you're able to just hit the road without a care in the world. [Victor gestures for Hal to talk up] Oh... right... yeah, with me I'm always thinking about things back home. You know, did I leave the stove on? Is the iron plugged in? I once heard of a fire being caused by a mouse chewing through an...
Victor: Where is my coffee?
Lois: Uh, it's right here, Dad, just the way you like it. Mom, I really wish you'd put out that cigarette. It's not good for the kids.
Ida: What, you think it'll stunt their growth? [scoffs] You turned out big enough.