TV Quotes

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Malcolm, listen, I need to know what Mom used to put in the hot tea when we were sick. Is she around?
Malcolm: I think she's changing the sheets on their bed. Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding. So, did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?
Malcolm: I can't be sure, but I think Grandpa spit at me.
Francis: Look, don't take it personally. They're primeval creatures with tiny little hearts.
Malcolm: Yeah, but there must be some reason...
Francis: Malcolm, they have stupid lizard brains. They're threatened by anyone with an ounce of ambition or intelligence. They'd eat you if they had better teeth.

Hal: Never thought I'd beat you home.
Lois: Uh, they had us keep both registers open till midnight. What kind of idiot needs a beach ball at 11:00 at night? Did you make the kids' lunches?
Hal: Oh, right. No, not yet. I've been kind of tied up here. You know, I discovered something kind of interesting, yeah. Now, it appears the circular cubes cool quicker, but the crescent ones last longer.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Hal, will you quit playing around? That is a rectal thermometer.
Hal: I'm going to go brush my teeth.

Francis: Oh, my god, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts!
Ida: What are you talking about?
Francis: Grandma, gifts aren't conditional. They're gifts. You give them to people because you love them! They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight! You're not teaching people anything You haven't got back at them. They don't even know they've upset you! All you've done here is... is constructed a monument to your own insanity! What kind of a person does that?
Ida: A lonely, bitter, old woman.
Francis: What?
Ida: [sighs] Look what I've done. What use is all this things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness. Instead they rot here. Oh.
Francis: Grandma?
Ida: My hea- My heart. I think it's... melting. Yes, it's melting. Oh. You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me. Quick. Go get my magic sled and me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and we'll sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!

Ida: [card plays "Jingle Bells"] You do this to torture me? To hurt me?!
Francis: You don't like Christmas music?
Ida: It sounds like a song they sang when they rode through villages throwing babies on the fire!
Francis: They sang Jingle Bells?
Ida: They sang something.