TV Quotes

Hal: I have Kobe beef.
Reese: No way.
Hal: Yes!
Reese: That's like $60 an ounce.
Hal: I know. I won it in a Minesweeper tournament at work. Years of practicing eight hours a day has finally paid off.

Lois: That doesn't matter. What does matter is you'll be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us. We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years, and I, for one, am sick of it. Now, you are going to be president, mister, and that's the end of it.
Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and then bought my way into being president?
Lois: Of course it did. We decided against it.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Because then you wouldn't be a good president. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
Malcolm: I've been suffering all my life.
Lois: I'm sorry, it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor, and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you. And you will want so much for them to like you, and they just won't. And it'll break your heart. And that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world. I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
Hal: That's Dewey.
Dewey: Really?
Malcolm: This is unbelievable. You actually expect me to be president. No, no, I'm sorry. You expect me to be one of the greatest presidents in the history of the United States.
Lois: You look me in the eye and you tell me you can't do it.

Malcolm: You know what? I'm glad! This is appropriate. Now my life looks exactly how I feel. How could you screw me over like that?
Lois: Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away.
Malcolm: How is being rich throwing my life away?!
Lois: Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have. You graduate first in your class, and you start working in public service, either district attorney or running some foundation, and then you become governor of a mid-sized state, and then you become president.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Of the United States.
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: I'm sorry, son. It's true.
Francis: I thought you knew.
Hal: Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.

Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.

Lois: You okay?
Hal: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lois: Are you sure? It seems a little weird that the second you come home from your father's funeral, you turn on Sports Bloopers. [turns off TV]
Hal: Hey.
Lois: Hal, it is not healthy to keep all this bottled up.
Hal: I agree. I just don't have anything to unbottle. I mean, I thought I'd cry when I saw him in the box. I thought I'd cry when they closed it. I thought I'd cry when they put it in the ground and I threw dirt on him, but... nothing. Actually, I did get a little misty listening to the funeral we passed on the way out. Do you know that man was the shoeshine guy on the same corner for 40 years?
Lois: Hal, you don't have to be brave.
Hal: I'm not. You know me. I cried at that movie about the boxing wallaby.
Lois: I remember.
Hal: I think I'm not feeling anything because I never really had a relationship with him. I mean, I suppose he knew my name, but he'd always just call me "buddy."
Lois: Oh, Hal.
Hal: So, now a relationship that was totally meaningless and trivial is over. It's hard to get too upset.

Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Hal: Really?
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]