[When Lois pulls into the driveway with a car full of groceries, she is listening to an audio book, "A Dish Served Deadsly" ]
Man: [on tape] While Betty kept the fat man occupied, I ducked down the hallway to his office.
If I found his phone records, they would prove that he was the one who called the police station on the night of the murder.
[that night, Lois is still in the car listening to the tape as she eats the food she bought:]
Man: [on tape] All I knew was, the next person through that door would be the man who killed my partner. "Hello, McKendrick," I heard from behind me. I spun around, but standing there was...
Reese: [on tape] A stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchuks even though they're totally safe.
Lois: Reese!

Abe: Ah. There you are. Stevie, you ran off without your backup inhaler.
Stevie: Thanks... Dad.
Abe: Did Stevie tell you his big news?
Malcolm: No. What's going on?
Abe: Stevie's been accepted as a research subject at the Norvet Biomedical Institute. Dr. Norvet himself picked him for the motor-neuropathy program.
Stevie: It's... nothing.
Abe: Nothing? Come on, Stevie. This is the most exciting thing that's happened to us since they put your stomach on the inside. Who knows? This Christmas might just be our first ski vacation.
Stevie: Dad.
Abe: Tomorrow after school we'll go look at snowboards.
Stevie: Dad.
Abe: I said just look.

Lois: All right, Jamie. The doctor said there's no physical reason you can't talk, so that is exactly what you are going to do. Talk. He said the best way to get you started is for me to talk to you constantly about everything happening around you so that you live in a more verbal world. That means Mommy's going to narrate everything she's doing, like right now when she's going over here to make you a snack. Then it'll be time to do the laundry, and after that she gets to make dinner for the whole family. Who will wolf it down in ten seconds and leave her to do the dishes by herself before she gets to make the boys' lunches for school the next day. Then she'll get ready for bed after everybody else. And discover that the bathroom is a swampy, hairy mess, and Mommy gets to spend her last waking minutes with a sponge and a can of cleanser. Then it'll be time to wake up in the morning and she'll do it all over again. Day after day, week after week, for the next 30 years until Mommy dies. And with Mommy's luck, even that won't be the end of it!

[Malcolm walks into the garage and finds Reese submerging the bottom half of his body in a tub of ice]
Malcolm: Reese, what are you doing?
Reese: Something I should've done years ago. I've been numbing my legs in ice for an hour now.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: I can't feel a thing down there. [stabs leg] See? Nothing. First three times I did that it hurt like hell. Nobody's gonna say this wasn't a fair fight. When Stevie gets here, I'm gonna flop over to him like a fish, yank him out of his chair, and smash his face in, gimp-to-gimp.
Malcolm: Reese, you're insane!
Reese: [grabs pull-up bar] Am I? They thought Einstein was crazy until he started kicking ass. [drops to the floor]

Dewey: What are you doing?!
Hal: What? Oh, this. It's nothing. It's keeping me calm.
Dewey: But we're quitting!
Hal: No, I'm quitting coffee. You're quitting cigarettes.
Dewey: That's cheating! You do not get to do this.
Hal: Actually, Dewey, I get to do whatever I want, because I am a grown-up.
Dewey: All right, if that's how you want it.
Hal: Dewey! What are you doing? Dewey! [Dewey pours a cup of coffee] Don't you dare!
Dewey: [drinks] Ah. The smooth, wonderful taste of betrayal!
Hal: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm in flavor country, baby!

Abe: God, I'm too late! Stevie, please stop! Think of the lawsuit! You know these people will do anything to get our money!

Reese: I'm gonna do it anyway.
Stevie: What?
Reese: I'm gonna beat you up anyway. This Friday after school, we're gonna go somewhere private and I'm gonna beat you so bad your wheelchair's gonna need a wheelchair. I want you to think about that for a few days. Picture it. Dream about it, like I'm doing. Even if you tell on me, I will find some way to make this happen. So you might as well have some dignity and keep your mouth shut. Your ass might not know I'm kicking it, but I will. [Reese cheerfully hands Stevie his homework as Malcolm returns] Here you go.

Dewey: Free pass?
Hal: That's right. I have given each of your brothers one free pass, one time that I didn't tell your mother about something they did.
[flashback to Hal rescuing a young Francis who had handcuffed himself to a pole at a strip club:]
Hal: All right, Francis, this is your one free pass!
[flashback to Hal standing in front of an upturned animal with rollerblades on its hoofs:]
Hal: Okay, Reese, but this is your one!
[flashback to a bald-headed Hal lecturing a bald-headed Malcolm in front of a smoking chemistry set:]
Hal: Okay, Malcolm, this is your one!
[present:]
Dewey: Please make this my one free pass.
Hal: All right. We've got some paperwork to sign.

[As Malcolm and Stevie study, Reese walks into the room and wipes all of the Stevie's work off the desk]
Reese: My desk!
Malcolm: Reese, what's your problem?
Reese: He's my problem. I get to come home to my own room and put my own stuff on my own desk. There's such a thing as manners, Stevie. When you're a guest in someone's house...
[After Stevie sprays Reese with his inhaler, Reese grabs Stevie by the shirt and gets ready to punch him. Stevie smiles as Reese realizes he can't punch Stevie.]
Malcolm: Real classy, Reese. Go ahead, hit him.
Reese: It's not fair! He's hit me plenty of times. He makes fun of me, he treats me like crap, and just because he's in that chair he gets away with it!
Stevie: I blame... society.
Reese: Sorry, Stevie.

Hal: All right, Reese, you're busted. Of all the stupid- Come on, front and center.
Dewey: Now, don't blame yourself.
Hal: Dewey, you were smoking? Do you have any idea what a dangerous, disgusting addiction that is? It took me years to quit! Do you want to end up breathing through a hole in your neck? Do you think that's cool?
Dewey: You can breathe through a hole in your neck?
Hal: What do you think your mother's gonna say about this?
Dewey: You can't tell Mom! She'll kill me!
Hal: Well, you should've thought of that earlier. Where would you even get cigarettes anyway?
Dewey: There's, like, 20 cartons hidden in your shop vac.
Hal: Oh, my God. That is my stash from ten years ago. Lois would kill me if... All right, Dewey, under the circumstances, I am giving you your one free pass.