Lois: This is good. This is growth. Just do it. Don't be such a chicken. It's the only way to stop hearing it. All those kids laughing, my mother coming to the nurse's office telling me to stop blubbering, she wouldn't have to stuff my bra if I wasn't too lazy to grow them myself. Oh, my God. It was my mother. She was the one stuffing my bra. Oh, my God. She was the one making me feel so horrible and inadequate. Not me. This wasn't about vanity, Jamie. This is about an abusive old bat trying to make her kid into something that she wasn't. Well, I am not going to be that kind of mother. If you don't feel like talking yet, then you don't have to talk. I'm going to love you exactly the way you are. [exits]
Jamie: Shut up!

Reese: I think crippling my legs made my arms stronger. Like how blind guys have bigger noses. This is gonna be great.
Malcolm: Reese, you can't do this. Stevie's our friend.
Reese: Hey, he's not my friend. He's your friend. He treats me like crap. He insults me and disrespects me and you let him.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: You always take his side. You always do everything his way, even though we're brothers.
Malcolm: Wait. Are you jealous?
Reese: No, I'm pissed. You and Stevie are going to be friends your whole life, but once you go away to college and you're not stuck with us, we're never gonna see you again. But even so, you're spending the rest of the time left with Stevie instead of...
Malcolm: Do I have to tell you I love you?
Reese: No.
Malcolm: Good. Dude, like you said, we're brothers. It doesn't matter if I don't want to be here, I'm stuck here. No matter where I go or what I do, we're always going to be forced together. Christmas, birthdays... We're going to be forced to be around each other for the rest of our lives.
Reese: Really? [Malcolm nods]

Malcolm: [to camera] The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out of their program for unauthorized use of their equipment. And Reese will be okay, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything. Mom's making Dad find every last one of his old cigarettes. She's going to make him eat any she finds tomorrow morning, so he's pretty motivated. The amazing thing is I'm the only one that got off scott-free.
Lois: Malcolm, go change Reese's bedpan.
Malcolm: [to camera] Hey, he's my brother.

Lois: [o.s.] Malcolm, get your dirty socks off this table or I'll feed them to you for dinner!
Malcolm: Like I'd taste a difference.

Malcolm: It's Lisa Filmore, isn't it?
Stevie: Who?
Malcolm: I saw you checking her out. You like the big stuff, huh? Nice. Little jiggly-wiggly, little wabbal-abbal-abbal-abbal...
Stevie: You're... a jerk.
Malcolm: I'm just being supportive. I'm sorry. Come on. Let's just finish the game.
Stevie: Can't. Today's our... first meeting... at the Norvet Institute.
Malcolm: Okay, wait. There's something good about your personality. You completely humor your dad with all his idiotic plans for you to walk, no matter how pointless and stupid it is to try. You're never, like, "Dad, wake up. I'm never getting out of this wheelchair. I'm going to be a cripple till the day I die." I mean, you know it, but you don't throw it in his face. That's a really nice quality. There, better?

Abe: [on the phone] Malcolm. It's Abe. Where's your brother?
Malcolm: Reese? I don't know, probably pounding the snot out of someone.
Abe: It's Stevie! You've got to stop it!
Malcolm: What? What are you talking about?
Abe: Stevie and I were in the middle of our session at the Norvet Institute, and then he said he had to go fight Reese, and just took off! I'm terrified that-
Malcolm: Oh, no.

Dewey: Mm. Rich, roasted goodness! Suddenly I'm at a French cafe.
Hal: Well, I'm with two girls in a speedboat, sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos.
Lois: Hal!
Hal: Dewey's drinking coffee! [throws cigarette away]

Stevie: You're mine!
Reese: Good news, Stevie. I forgive you. Come on, Stevie! I can't walk. This isn't fair! Don't reduce yourself to my level! You're better than this!