Hal: Wow! Look at it go, huh? They may have been responsible for one of the most devastating attacks in American history, but by God, they make good toy. [chuckles] Is that what I think it is?
Dewey: Dad, it's not really-
Hal: I'm just gonna take a little peek. "My Dad, My Hero." [mouths as he reads]
Dewey: I might have jazzed it up a little.
Hal: Dewey, everything in this report is just made up. Every word of it. I- I never did any of this stuff.
Dewey: Are you sure? I could've sworn Mom said something about you giving your parachute to an orphan in midair.
Hal: [rips up paper] You are not going to turn in a paper full of lies.
Dewey: But, Dad, it's due on Tuesday!
Hal: You're just gonna have to find another way. Let me explain something about heroism, son. There are all kinds of bravery in the world. [Hal realizes the button to turn off the spinning plane is underneath the path of the plane] All kinds. You don't have to be a Special Forces Ranger or fight crime in a cape to be a hero. [Hal struggles to press the button] There's the unsung bravery of the common man. Normal people who prove their courage every day, by standing up for their families or being decent to other people and... [groans] Is it bleeding?

Lois: Hal, you have to get ready. The show starts in an hour, and we still have to drop Jamie off on the way.
Hal: Almost done. Hey, have you seen Dewey around? I promised him he could fire-bomb the Utah.
Lois: He's doing schoolwork. It was so sweet. He told me this afternoon he's writing a 300 word report about how I'm his hero.

Lois: What a wonderful night! How could they say the theater is dead when a spectacle like that is being bused all over the country?
Dewey: Yeah, who knew you could use the same three chords over and over and people would sit through it for two hours?
Lois: You can be Mr. Fancy Pants music snob if you like, but everyone else loved it.

Jessica: Thank you for including me. I had so much fun.
Hal: Yeah, me, too. I especially liked the part where the father was stabbed in the back by his son.
Lois: That wasn't in the show, Hal.
Hal: Well, I saw it somewhere.

Lois: ...and then I said, "You keep your sexist, adolescent humor to yourself, Your Honor." Let's just say two days of picking up trash on the freeway never felt so good.
Dewey: Wow, all these great stories: the judge, those bikers... I don't know any other way to say this, Mom, but you're kind of a bad-ass.
Lois: You know I don't appreciate that kind of language.
Hal: If anyone cares, I'll be in the garage alone, commemorating our heroic stand against a heartless, back-stabbing, traitorous attack.
Lois: Okay, hon. Then there was this time at the store with this huge shoplifter and he...

Jessica: This is nice. What'd you think of the Versace?
Malcolm: Well, uh... it has a nice drape, and it seems like a kicky look for fall.
Reese: Yeah, I think it's... yummy.

Malcolm: This blows. Just get up and change the channel.
Reese: I didn't lose the remote. You get up and change the channel.
Malcolm: I didn't lose it either!

Dewey: Dad, I need some help with my homework.
Hal: I don't think so, Dewey. I put in all this time and effort, then you just have Malcolm correct everything after I go to bed.
Dewey: I can't do this with Malcolm. I'm supposed to do a 300-word report on how you're my personal hero.
Hal: Me? You think I'm your hero?
Dewey: Dad, don't freak out. We had to pick one of our parents.