Lois: I'm glad you boys liked it so much. I've never seen you like this. You didn't stop smiling at each other all night.
Malcolm: How could you not love a show like that?
Reese: Yeah, nothing creepy about it at all.
Jessica: You guys want to listen to the CD again?
Malcolm: Again? Oh, yeah. Love ABBA.
Reese: I could listen to it forever.
[Malcolm and Reese awkwardly start to dance to "Take a Chance on Me". The whole family stares as the brothers get more and more into it.]

Lois: Jessica, your pasta recipe is terrific. Look at us, eating healthy for once. Reese, you want some more?
Reese: No. She took over the TV, now she's taking over dinner? This isn't even food.
Jessica: Reese, it's just low-fat.
Reese: And if you knew anything at all about food, you'd know that fats and oils are the vehicles by which flavor travels. Fat is what makes things taste good. That's why a wise and loving God created fat in the first place.
Lois: She is a guest in our home, and I think it's delicious. [serves Reese pasta]
Reese: She can make me take it, but she can't make me eat it. [dumps pasta in his own pants]

Reese: [quietly] Vendetta.
Malcolm: How could she be so?
Reese: Vendetta!
Malcolm: Yes, vendetta. Reese, I promise, we'll get back at her. But we have to be careful. She's got Mom totally on her side.
Reese: Oh, yeah.
Malcolm: It's tricky. Somehow, we've got to figure out a way to turn Mom against her.
Reese: Okay, got it.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: It's a little risky, but I'll tell you one thing. No one calls me gay and gets away with it! [Malcolm screams as Reese bites his neck]

Lois: You don't wear turtlenecks.
Malcolm: Can I just get the groceries so we can eat? I've got a ton of homework-
Lois: Aha!
Malcolm: Mom, don't!
Lois: Who gave you that?
Malcolm: None of your business! What is your problem, anyway? Can't you go five seconds without butting into my life?
[After Malcolm looks at Jessica, Lois turns around to look at her]
Jessica: What?
Malcolm: It wasn't her, Mom! I swear! [Reese looks shocked] You always think you know everything, but you're wrong! You're dead wrong this time!
Lois: I think you and I need to have a little talk.
Jessica: But I-
Lois: Come on.

Jessica: [enters] So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning. We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks and they still haven't carted him off yet.
Reese: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here every day like you own the place! Go back outside and knock. And then go away!
Jessica: Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street.
Malcolm: [to camera] The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block.

Malcolm: What the hell did you do that for?
Reese: Your stuff was in my spot.
Malcolm: I would've moved it. Try asking, butt-munch.
Reese: Right, like you hear anything but the sound of your own voice.
Malcolm: Get bent.
Reese: Bite me. I liked you better when we were gay.
Malcolm: Me, too.

Announcer: [on TV] Coming up next, The Strongest Man in the World Competition.
Reese: Yes, finally! What are you doing?
Jessica: Watching House of Style.
Reese: You don't get to change our TV! Malcolm, back me up here!
Malcolm: Reese, give her a break.
Reese: Why? We live in just as big a stink-hole as she does. Where do we get to escape to?
Jessica: Reese, you're right. This is your house. If you don't want to watch it, you can get up and change it.
Reese: Nice try.

Dewey: Do you think we should cut up some of these guys so there's more body parts floating in the water?
Hal: Nah, that's a little gruesome. Just melt them with a lighter.

Jessica: I need your calculus notes. I couldn't listen to a word Mr. Jacobson was saying in that stupid golf shirt. How can a man have nipples that big? [off Malcolm's look] What?
Malcolm: You can hang out here if you need to get away from your dad, but don't act like we're friends, okay?
Jessica: Why are you mad at me?
Malcolm: Because I stick up for you all the time. And you turn around and manipulate my mom into doing something only you want to do.
Jessica: Wait. You're talking about the show?
Malcolm: Let me explain something to you, Jessica. My family doesn't have fun. We aren't nice. And the one time my mom actually does do something nice, you hijack it for your own-
Jessica: I didn't do it for me, I did it for Reese.

Malcolm: What does Reese have to do with it?
Jessica: You know what he has to do with it.
Malcolm: No, I don't.
Jessica: Please tell me you're kidding.
Malcolm: About what?
Jessica: Oh, my God. You honestly don't know. You are actually so self-involved and narcissistic that you can't even see it.
Malcolm: See what?
Jessica: You know what, Malcolm? Why don't you try to go for maybe two seconds without thinking about yourself and see what you notice?
Malcolm: Stop insulting me. What the hell are you talking about?