Lois: Wow, I remember this: this is Reese's fifth birthday.
Hal: This must be Christmas the same year.
Lois: Oh, he grew up so fast. [holds up X-ray]
Hal: He sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.
Lois: Oh. Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market.
Hal: Still keeps great time.
Lois: You want to go through the arrest reports?
Hal: I'll pour some more wine.

Lois: Hal, do you want Raisin Bran or oatmeal?
Hal: Oatmeal. No, wait, Raisin Bran. No, no oatmeal. Oh, but Raisin Bran's got that crunch. And those raisins. But sometimes you get too many raisins. You don't have that problem with oatmeal. Oh, but oatmeal can be lumpy. But sometimes good lumpy. But, not usually. So definitely it's going to be Raisin Bran... No, eggs!
Lois: You're having Raisin Bran.
Hal: Oh, God, thank you.

Craig: Hey, boys, what do you say the four of us have a giant tickle party?! [closes door] Okay, that was just a cover I didn't want to alarm your parents.
Malcolm: What's going on?
Craig: I need you guys to teach me how to fight. There's this jerk who's always picking on me, and I'm sick of it.
Reese: Why are you asking us?
Craig: Because this guy's stronger and faster than me. The only chance I've got is if I fight dirty. And let's face it, your family is legendary for that.
Malcolm: Well, people exaggerate...
Craig: Please, you've got to teach me everything you know.
Reese: I don't think that's such a great idea. I mean, I teach you some tricks, you teach them to someone else, he teaches them to another guy and sooner or later, I'm in a fair fight.

Peter Rubin: Hi. I'm Peter Rubin from Bernstein, Wyatt and McCormick. Are you Hal?
Hal: Look, I'll tell you what I tell all the other lawyers. Look around. This skeleton has been picked clean. But go ahead, sue away.

Reese: Craig, I'd like to welcome you to the first day of your new, more vicious life. I give you the human body. For clarity, we've divided it into the three major theaters of operation. The head. The torso.
Craig: And what are those?
Reese: You know what those are. Now the first thing you need to know is that this is all about pride. Do you have pride, Craig?
Craig: Yes.
Reese: Okay, that is not the answer I was looking for. You show me a man with pride, and I'll show you a man with limited options. Let's say that this is your opponent, and he's coming after you. "Hey, man, we can work this out. I didn't know she was your girl." [sticks fingers in the boiled egg "eyes"] See? Now he's blind, and you have the time to really get creative. Personally, I like to leave at least one sense intact so he knows what's happening to him. [eats egg]
Craig: I knew I came to the right place.

Reese: Okay, Dewey, you're up.
Dewey: Okay, first, I'm going to need you to take off your glasses.
[As Craig removes his glasses, Dewey flings sand at his face]
Craig: Ow! My eyes! I didn't know we were starting!
Dewey: There is no starting in dirty fighting. Life is one big fight from the day you're born to the day you die. Okay. Maybe we should slow down a little.
[As Craig looks up again, Dewey flings more sand at his face]
Craig: Ow! Time out! Time out!
Dewey: I think we're wasting our time here.
Reese: Let's just kick him in the kidneys and call it a night.
Craig: No! Please! I know I suck, but I want to be better. Please. I'll try harder, I promise.

Dewey: Dad, what are you doing?
Hal: I am making a decision tree. It is a tool to help you make difficult decisions. First, I started out with two branches, one for pulling the plug, the other one for keeping him alive. Then I made branches from those branches for all the possible outcomes. I'm getting it all out of my head so I can see what I'm dealing with logically.
Dewey: "Pulling plug causes feeling of Godlike power. Forced to kill again"?
Hal: Well, I'm trying to cover everything. But now I have gone through all the possibilities, and I really think I am zeroing in on a decision.

Dewey: All your outcomes on "pull the plug" assume that he dies right away.
Hal: Yes, Dewey, that's what pulling the plug means.
Dewey: Not necessarily. He could continue to live without his respirator, his body wasting away while he struggles for breath like a fish on a dock gasping for air, slowly suffocating over the course of weeks or even months. I read about this one-
Hal: Thank you, Dewey. Like I don't get enough of the know-it-all stuff from Malcolm.

Lois: Hal, I don't know why you have such a hard time making decisions.
[flashback:]
Hal's Mother: Hal, sweetie. You have to decide. For your birthday, do you want a petting zoo or a clown?
Young Hal: Both?
[flashback to a clown struggling to get a snake off his neck]
[present:]
Hal: Who knows? Probably no reason. You might as well ask me why I'm afraid of clowns and snakes.

Craig: [sobs] What am I supposed to do? I came to you guys asking for help because that's what I thought friends do for their friends.
Reese: Dude, calm down.
Craig: I thought we meant something to each other. I mean, after all these years, after everything I've done for you...
Malcolm: Craig, stop it. I can't help it. [Craig weeps] Okay. I guess we can teach you a few move. Just stop crying.
Craig: Really? I mean, you're not just saying that? You'll teach me how to fight dirty?
Malcolm: Yes. But you're gonna have to fully commit to this.
Reese: And you need to know that once you start training with us, you're gonna see the world differently.
Dewey: And there's nothing we can ever do to restore your innocence.
Craig: Thank you so much. You guys are the best.
Reese: You hug me, and the lesson starts right now.