Craig: Mama? Oh, my God, she's beautiful. I thought you said all the photos of her were destroyed in the twister that killed her.
Vic Feldspar: What did you want me to say? That your mother ran out on me with a guy who owned a pie shop? That after years of slaving away to give that woman everything, she decided she wasn't attracted to me anymore? That I wasn't man enough for her? Come on, Craig. What would that have done to your self-esteem?
Craig: So, my mom is alive?
Vic Feldspar: Oh, great. So, now this all going to be about her.
Craig: How could you do this to me? How could you lie to me all these years?
Vic Feldspar: I did what I thought was best for you.
Craig: No, you didn't. You did what you thought would punish her. All this time, you weren't yelling at me, but at this beautiful, beautiful woman. Dad, I'm not going with you. My life isn't a mess. I love my life. I love my job, I love my cat, I love my friends. I've made something of myself. I'm Desk Sergeant at my Neighborhood Watch. And a 14th-level elf cleric. I am not going to throw that away.
Vic Feldspar: You almost sounded like a man for a second.
Craig: Good-bye, Dad.
Vic Feldspar: You actually have a pretty good grip there, son.
Craig: It's my joystick hand.

Lois: Hal, I am so proud of you for making such a great decision. And such a surprising one. I thought your only choices were life or death. Who would have thought there was a third option?
Hal: People aren't willing to think outside the box. See, the answer was there all the time. Someone just had to see it. Once I found out he was a bird lover, well, it all made sense.
Lois: And everything was at Radio Shack?
Hal: Everything but the hat.
Lois: You know what, Hal? Your solution was so brilliant, would you mind walking me through it one more time, step-by-step, just so I understand it completely?
Hal: Honey, no, it was so exhausting. I don't think I'll talk about it ever again.
Lois: Well, I suppose it's for the best.

Vic Feldspar: Vic Feldspar. Nice to meet you, boys. I'm this one's father, I guess.
Craig: Father? Ha! You pretended not to know me at the father-son picnic.
Vic Feldspar: Sorry I wasn't swelling with pride while I watched you suck the butter off other people's corncobs.
Craig: You wonder why I'm so messed up? It's because from the day I was born, I've heard nothing but four-count Burpees and constant, lisping criticism. Why don't you go back to San Diego and all your macho friends?
Vic Feldspar: I'm not leaving until you seriously think about my offer.
Craig: I don't want your stupid gymnasiums.
Vic Feldspar: I told you. Craigy, the people in Chicago put in a very nice bid. I can't put them off anymore. This is your last chance.
Reese: Whoa. He wants to give you a string of gymnasiums?
Craig: As long as he can get me back under his thumb.
Vic Feldspar: Actually, I'm giving them up either way. It's time for me to retire. I got a top of the line Fleetwood RV. I'm going to drag it across America with my teeth. Son, don't be an idiot. There is still a chance I can fix you.
Craig: I don't care. I'm not going back with you. I escaped, and I'm staying escaped.
Vic Feldspar: Okay, you're obviously hysterical. I've got to start my 30-mile run. That gives you two hours and 16 minutes to calm down. Meet me at Applebee's, and we'll try to discuss this like grown-ups.
Craig: I'll come, but it'll be for the great service and atmosphere, not for you!

Craig: Dad, what are you doing here? I told you no at Applebee's, no at Malcolm's house, and no all the way home as you jogged alongside my car.
Vic Feldspar: I wanted to give you something.
Craig: What is it?
Vic Feldspar: Used to call that your unk-unk. Your mother bought that for you the day she found out she was pregnant. The only day I saw her happier was the day you were born.
Craig: Wow.
Vic Feldspar: I haven't been totally honest with you, son, but before I go, I owe you the truth. I never made it a secret how disappointed I am with the way you turned out. But what you don't know is if your mother was alive today, she's be just as disappointed.
Craig: What?
Vic Feldspar: Opening those gyms wasn't just my dream, it was your mother's dream, too. Fitness was her life, and it was her dying wish for you to embrace a life of health and vitality.
Craig: Why didn't you ever tell me that?
Vic Feldspar: Because I kept thinking if I pushed you enough, eventually you'd turn yourself around. But, apparently to you, I'm an annoyance, not an inspiration.
Craig: No, you're-
Vic Feldspar: It doesn't really matter. Your mom's in heaven now, crying at the waste you made of your life. I know you don't want to run those gyms to please me, but you might want to consider doing it for your mother.
Craig: Do those jumpsuits come in extra large?
Vic Feldspar: I waited all my life to hear those words.