Hal: A man's life is in my hands. This isn't paper or plastic. This is life or death. There's nothing more life or death than life or death.
Lois: Hal, calm down. Panicking isn't going to help.
Hal: You know, this is all your fault.
Lois: What?!
Hal: I am completely unprepared for this. I've had no practice. I haven't made a decision around here in years. When exactly did it get to the point where you make all the decisions in our marriage?
Lois: When you said, "Lois, I want you to make all the decisions in our marriage."
Hal: [whines] Well, you didn't have to listen to me. Oh, I got all this stuff racing through my mind. I, I can't eat, I can't sleep...
Lois: Oh, Hal, if you want, I'll make the decision for you.
Hal: No. I was given this responsibility. A man entrusted his fate in my hands. I can't just shrug that off. I can do this. I just need to focus my mind on the problem and think clearly. Yes. I've got it! Lois, I have made the decision. Want to guess what it is?
Lois: Hal.
Hal: Oh, all right. I'll keep trying.

Malcolm: Let me try something. All right, Craig, listen. I want you to think. I want you to visualize every bully that ever picked on you or beat you up. Really see the look of contempt on their faces as they pounded on you. You got it?
Craig: Mm-hmm.
Malcolm: Now, picture what they were looking at.
Craig: Oh. It's disgusting!
[Craig charges at the "human body" the boys had put together: a bag of sausages with arms for the torso, a watermelon for the head, and a pair of plums. After attacking the torso and head, Craig picks up a bat.]
Malcolm: Is he going for the plums?
Reese: It appears so. Well, he sure won't have to worry about the guy's children coming after him.

Malcolm: Okay, it was a good plan having the guy meet you here. We've set up a few things to give you a little edge if you get in trouble.
Dewey: There's a broken bottle in that pile of leaves, and a can of bug spray under the Big Wheel. If it runs out, it still makes a great blunt object.
Reese: Remember, we're here for you. Unless it looks like you're getting a total beating. Then I may have to take his side.
Craig: Don't worry. I hate this guy more than anyone on Earth. This jerk is going to finally get what he deserves.
Vic Feldspar: Craigy? Is that you back there?
Craig: Hello, Dad. [charges at him]

Vic Feldspar: For God's sake, son, you have no upper body strength at all. I know girls that could get out of this hold.
Craig: Get your foot off my neck so I can kill you.
Vic Feldspar: Craigy, do you have any idea how pathetic you look right now? Do you even care? Are you so wrapped up with being a useless piece of pudge that you can't even see how embarrassed you're making me?
Malcolm: Um, I think he needs to breathe.
Vic Feldspar: I'm going to let you up now. I want you to dust yourself off, suck in your gut, and introduce me to your friends.
Craig: I'm not doing anything you tell me. I hate you. And I wasn't even choking. I was faking it.

Lois: I hope you like dinner. I wasn't sure whether to make a chicken or a ham.
Hal: Chicken or ham, boy, that's a tough one. Chicken or ham. You're life must be a living hell.

Malcolm: What's wrong with him?
Lois: The doctors called it "hysterical conversion disorder." It's psychosomatic. Apparently, he's paralyzed from the waist up.
Malcolm: Waist up?
[Hal shakes in his chair]
Reese: Dad, what is it?
[After Lois scratches Hal's nose, Hal's foot rubs up against Lois's leg]
Dewey: I think he's thanking you.

Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I've tried to be patient, but this has gone on long enough. You've got to snap out of it. Look, I'll admit you've been resourceful. You've learned to do so many things, and the sex has been interesting, but you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about, Hal. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This is not going to work. And frankly, this whole thing is beneath you. It's a cowards way out, Hal. [sighs] You think I wouldn't like a paralyzed vacation, everyone waiting on me hand and foot? But you know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't make up ridiculous illnesses just to get out of doing what you don't want to do. Oh, for God's sake, do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad that your boys aren't here to see this. Oh, Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.

Lois: Hal?! Reese, how could you just leave him in there?
Reese: Every time I pulled him out, Jamie started crying.
[Jamie cries as Reese and Lois pull Hal out of Jamie's playpen]
Lois: Okay, this is ending right now. You are going to stop being paralyzed and you are going to make this decision. I know you think you can't do this. I know you're worried you'll choose wrong, but Hal, you had a very hard choice to make in your life before and you made not only a good decision. You made a brilliant one. You decided to marry me. No one thought it was a good idea. All your friends thought you were making a horrible mistake. Your parents, my parents. They all said I was a pushy, opinionated loudmouth, but you knew I was perfect for you. And I am. It's the best decision anyone's ever made. Every day I wake up grateful or that brilliant, brilliant decision. And you can do it again, Hal. I know you can.
Hal: But with you it was obvious.
Lois: Even so, honey.

Reese: See ya, Craig. I guess this means I don't owe you that 50 bucks anymore.

Dewey: [to Craig] I'll think of you every time I open a jar of mayonnaise.