Clerk: May I help you?
Malcolm: My dad called in a reservation. [hands over credit card]
Clerk: OK. There you are. As soon as your dad signs this, you're all set.
Malcolm: Oh. He's out at the car, but we can take care of it.
Clerk: Well, maybe wanna have a seat, and we'll just wait for your dad.
Malcolm: Is there some way we could we speed this along? My little brother isn't feeling very well.
Reese: Yeah. My dad's gonna be a while. He's cleaning the car where Dewey's sick.
Clerk: I'm sorry, but an adult needs to sign for the room.
Malcolm: Look, he's really sick. He could blow any second.
Clerk: He doesn't look that sick to me.
Dewey: [retches]

Reese: Dewey, that was amazing! They ran out of barf dust.
Dewey: I'm hungry.
Malcolm: I bet you are. How do you guys want your steaks?

Hal: Why didn't you tell us you were getting married?
Francis: I don't know, Dad. It just happened kinda fast.
Hal: How can you know anyone in a month?
Francis: Dad, I knew in a minute. Trust me, Piama is the one. She's a little fiery, but she's also kind and funny and completely real. You just haven't gotten to know the real Piama.
Hal: And who's fault is that?
Francis: I know, I know, but that's why I brought her, so you everyone could get to know her. It wasn't supposed to turn into the Apocalypse! And what about you and Mom? You got married pretty quick.
Hal: Yes, but I was a few years older, I'd already been with a lot of... I had lived a full life.
Francis: So you were older. I just happened to run into the exact right person for me a little earlier than you did. Once you meet that person, why wait? Huh? Why not do it if I'm sure? Should I not do it 'cause my family's not sure? It wouldn't matter if the wedding was last week, or next week, or 10 years from now, you and Mom would've had a problem with it. All my life-
Hal: I would've come, Francis.
Francis: What?
Hal: If you had invited me, I would've come.
Francis: Really? I'm sorry.

Reese: Didn't I tell you flowers were a great idea?
Waiter: OK, we're all set. You have the Plaza burger, the main lobster, the porterhouse, large platter of French fries and the complete dessert cart. Your parents certainly have an interesting taste in food.
Malcolm: Yeah, they do.
Waiter: Actually, I'm gonna need one of your parents to sign that.
Malcolm: I left the tip blank. Why don't you put in what you think is fair?
Waiter: Bon appetit.

Malcolm: Dewey, your dinner's here! There you go, Reese.
Reese: Thank you, Malcolm. So this is what a $24 hamburger looks like. I thought it'd be as big as my head.
Dewey: Ah! Why don't we have a jacuzzi tub at home?
Malcolm: Because that would make us happy. You know what, forget about that place. Tonight, this is our home.
Dewey: You got a lobster?
Malcolm: Yes. I think I deserve a lobster. We all deserve something nice for once.
Reese: Whoa! This dinner was expensive. I wonder what Dad's credit limit is?
Malcolm: Let's find out.

Lois: Okay, boys, get your things, we're going home.
Reese: No, we're not going back there!
Hal: Well, you can't stay in this hotel room for ever. What you gonna do, live under a bridge and steal food out of dumpsters?
Malcolm: I don't know, but we're not going home! We've had it with the way you treat us and we've had it with all the yelling!
Reese: You are a terrible influence on us!
Malcolm: All you ever do is scream!
Dewey: And order us around!
Malcolm: There's something's wrong with this family! Families should have some way of communicating besides yelling!

Lois: [to the boys] OK, everybody, calm down. I understand what you're saying, I am not gonna yell, I am not gonna scream. We are capable of talking about this without raising our voices. Now, boys, I want you to understand I'm sorry about what happened. But you have to understand I get a little emotional when I learn that my oldest son was acting like an idiot and throwing his life away. Now, that doesn't mean-
[Piama throws a bucket of cold water over Lois]
Piama: Stop talking about him like that! Francis is my heart!
[Hal throws a bucket of cream over Piama]
Hal: OK, we're even! Everyone's fine and there's no need for escalation! Isn't it beautiful when things work out?
Francis: Yeah, I'd say this has gone pretty well, considering we got off to a rocky start. We couldn't have asked for a better ending.
Lois: Get your wife out of my sight!
Francis: [whispers to Piama] She called you my wife, that's progress.

Dewey: [screams]
Reese: Get back, you little weasel!
Lois: Reese!
[As Lois stops herself from screaming, she calmly pulls out a notepad and pen and writes a note that she then hands to Reese]
Reese: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's all my fault! I'll clean my room and do all my homework!
Malcolm: [to camera] We may wanna go back to the old system.

Malcolm: Stevie's dad got three extra tickets to the Demolition Derby!
Reese: Cool.
Malcolm: That's even not the best part. We're going with Stevie so we get the handicapped seats in the front.

Lois: You're not going anywhere! You're staying at home and we're gonna throw your father a birthday party like we talked about! I have something very special planned.
Malcolm: Like what?
Lois: It's none of your business. It's a surprise for your father. Honestly, I can't believe you boys! You have to be forced into celebrating your father's birthday?! You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Malcolm: You know what, you don't have to yell at us, we can hear you just fine if you talk in a normal tone of voice. [Lois glares at Malcolm]
Reese: I'm OK with the present system.
Lois: Get back to work. [exits]
Reese: I'm not OK with the present system! How does she make me say things like that?