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Malcolm in the Middle: Hal's Birthday

315. Hal's Birthday

Aired March 3, 2002

When Lois arranges for Francis to come home to surprise Hal on his birthday, Francis has a surprise of his own in store for the family.

Quote from Piama

Piama: You know, Francis isn't the screw-up you think he is.
Lois: Really?
Piama: Did you know he works sixteen hours a day at his job and he still managed to build a wheelchair ramp for my uncle Jake? In fact-
Lois: I don't think we should talk about Francis.
Piama: Why not? He's my husband and your son.
Lois: Needless to say, he and I have a very long and complicated history together that I don't feel like explaining to you.
Piama: Admit it, you don't like me.
Lois: I don't even know you.
Piama: Well, what would you like to know? I'm nineteen, my mom ran off when I was three and my dad kicked me out of the house when I was fourteen because I threw out his liquor. I've been married once before, no kids, thank God, and last year I spent three weeks in jail, but it wasn't my fault.

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Quote from Piama

Lois: Will you stop this, please?
Piama: You just can't stand for someone in your fancy family to marry beneath him.
Lois: What?
Piama: Just because I'm not all classy like you.
Lois: Classy? You think I'm classy?
Piama: Don't laugh at me.
Lois: I'm sorry, it's just this is a first. I hate to break it to you, but I am not classy.
Piama: Oh, yeah.
Lois: You know, I guess what you call class, I call manners.
Piama: I came down here hoping to get along with you. But you're not gonna let that happen. [moves her tea cup away]
Lois: You might be surprised at what I'd let happen. [moves her tea cup away]
Piama: [stands up] So... what's gonna happen?
Lois: [stands up] I don't know. What is gonna happen?

Quote from Dewey

Hal: A man likes to be noticed when he walks in a room, Lois!
Lois: Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
Dewey: No!
Lois: Excuse me?
Dewey: I'm not leaving! You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us! I'm getting tired of it! Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun! So you're left with two choices! You can either fight somewhere else or get us a TV for our room!
[cut to Dewey stood in the corner of the room facing the wall:]
Dewey: There's no reasoning with that woman.
Reese: [ditto] I thought you made some good points.
Malcolm: It doesn't matter, she doesn't listen anyway. It's like talking to a wall.
Reese: [chuckles] Hey, that's what we're doing.

Quote from Francis

Francis: Well, hold on, I got another surprise for you. Everybody, this is Piama. She's my wife. We're married.
Piama: Hi.
Francis: I was gonna tell you over the phone and then I thought, why not bring her down here and surprise you!
Hal: What do you mean, you're married?
Francis: Piama and I are husband and wife. We got married last week.
Hal: Last week?
Lois: Francis, who is this woman?
Francis: She's my wife. Her name is Piama.
Piama: Hello.
Francis: Well, come on, isn't anyone gonna congratulate us?
Hal: What?
Francis: For getting married. That's what families do.
Lois: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello? Hey, Stevie. The usual. We're on punishment. No good reason. We had the eggs, we had the golf clubs, what do you expect?

Quote from Reese

Lois: I want that thing spotless! I want to be able to lick the bricks.
Reese: When you gonna lick the bricks?
Lois: I want you to be able to lick the bricks.
Reese: I'll lick the bricks right now.
Lois: This is your last day of punishment. You want to tack on one day more?
Reese: Alright, alright!
[After Lois walks away, Reese licks fireplace bricks]

Quote from Hal

Hal: Ah! Not bad. Still have a little snap in my skin.
Younger Hal: [imaginary] For the love of God, what did you do to me?
Hal: What do you mean?
Younger Hal: All those sit-ups I did, all those miles I ran every morning and this is how you repay me, by looking like hell?!
Hal: You think I look bad?
Younger Hal: Please! The crow's feet, the turkey neck?
Hal: OK, a few years have gone by, there's been a little wear and tear.
Younger Hal: Wear and tear?! You look like a puppet of yourself made out of cottage cheese!
Hal: What are you talking about? Check out the pant melons! They still do the trick.
Younger Hal: Sure, it's magnificent. But you're not going to be able to coast on that forever.

Quote from Reese

Hal: We've been waiting for 20 minutes, Lois, when can we eat?
Lois: Hal, we have to wait for the ice cream to loosen up. You know you like it soft.
Hal: No, I don't.
Dewey: Yes, you do.
Malcolm: In fact, so do we.
Reese: We all do.
Lois: Since when?
Reese: Since yesterday.
Hal: What happened yesterday?
Reese: Dad, just be patient. This isn't a witch hunt. Just calm down, and whatever happens is gonna happen.
Hal: What are you talking about?
Reese: What I'm trying to say... is we're gonna get through this together. As a family. And as individuals. In this great country... where we live. [doorbell rings]
Lois: Thank God!

Quote from Piama

Hal: How long have you known each other? You never mentioned her.
Francis: I only met her a month ago. Today. Happy anniversary. Plus we had the whole bus ride down.
Lois: A month? [laughs] I misjudged you! Come to think of it, that's the longest you've ever stuck with anything in your life! [to Piama] Congratulations, you outlasted his paper route!
Piama: Lady, you don't want to stick your hand in my face.

Quote from Reese

Reese: This family sucks. They don't care anything about us, they don't even listen to us! Let's get out of here.
Dewey: To the Demolition Derby?
Reese: No, I mean let's really get outta here and get away from these people.
Malcolm: Where are we gonna go?
Reese: [holds up credit card] Wherever this takes us. I snagged it out of Dad's wallet this morning.
Malcolm: You knew we were going to need it tonight?
Reese: Er, yeah.

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