Hal: Lois, I did it! I did it! I actually flew a kite! I can't believe I actually thought these were evil. I love this kite.
Lois: Why don't you kiss it?
Hal: Oh, for God's sake! Are you still obsessing about that?
Lois: I want a straight answer out of you.
Hal: Lois, I swear from the moment I laid eyes on you, you were the only woman for me.
Lois: So you mean to tell me that unlike all any other man alive, you don't even have a glancing interest for other women? You and you alone stand outside the dictates of millions of years of evolution!
Hal: Why is that so hard for you to believe?
Lois: Because I look at other men! Not seriously. I would never do anything about it, but, God, Hal, I notice! And if you don't, it means that... it means that you love me more than I love you.
Hal: Well, honey, that's always been true. Of course I love you more.
Lois: And you're OK with that?
Hal: Oh, yeah. I mean, think about it, if you loved me as much as I love you, we'd never leave the bedroom! Nothing would get done. We'd die of starvation.
Lois: [chuckles] I love you! [they hug]
Hal: Not as much as I love you.

Malcolm: What are you gonna do to her?
Reese: I don't know what you're talking about. OK. I've been dying to tell someone. Malcolm, I'm gonna see them.
Malcolm: What?!
Reese: I'm going to be nice to her, make her my girlfriend and get her to take her top off.
Malcolm: You're crazy!
Reese: That's what I thought at first, but I've got it all figured out. I've been working on this for days. Tomorrow, I'll reveal an embarrassing secret that makes her feel trusted. Friday, I'll sneak a kiss, then apologize. Three days later, I actually ask her out. She catches me crying. Make out session. She discovers a love letter in my pocket. Heavier make-out session. All culminating in March 8, Double D Day.
Malcolm: You're pure evil!
Reese: Who's more evil, me or the person who told me?
Malcolm: You!
Reese: Yeah, but you'd still be in trouble. I bet she'd never forgive you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make a mix tape.

Cynthia: Is my coffee ready yet? I can't believe you only have instant.
Malcolm: I'm sorry our [French accent] "Folgers" is not up to your standards. Maybe I'd be a little more impressed with your coffee sophistication if you weren't wearing a kiddies' sweater.
Cynthia: I'm supposed to take style tips from someone who keeps track of wrestling feuds?
Malcolm: You know, ever since you've been back you've been mean to everyone. I know you think you're better than us. Even if that's true, it doesn't mean you have the right to be nasty. If you keep this up, you won't have any friends.
Cynthia: You think you know what everybody's problem is? Well, guess what, you don't. You think you're so smart and together, and that no-one notices what an unhappy little person you are. Well, I'm sorry. I'm not going to stroke your fragile ego by confiding in you.
Malcolm: Oh, yeah? Well, you're on fire!
[As Cynthia screams, Malcolm jumps up and grabs her sweater and stomps the fire out. When he looks back up, he sees Cynthia in her t-shirt.]
Malcolm: [to camera] Mommy!

Malcolm: He's just using you and what's worse is you're falling for it!
Cynthia: Leave me alone!
Reese: You heard her.
Malcolm: But... What's her name?
Reese: What?
Malcolm: What's her name?
Reese: I know what her name is. And I'm not gonna dignify that with a response. I know what her name is, and her name is...
[As Reese reaches out to feel Cynthia's top, she decks him]
Cynthia: How could you be so creepy? Don't you even have the remotest sense of decency towards a fellow human being? [kicks Reese] I have feelings! I will be treated with respect! I will not be objectified! I will not be humiliated! Now kiss my shoe! Kiss my shoe!

Stevie: Here comes... Her Royal... Bitchiness.
Malcolm: [to camera] Cynthia just got back from a semester in Europe and she's totally changed. She always used to be so happy. Now it's like she's given up on life. She's bitter and sarcastic. I mean, I can pull it off, but on her it's really unpleasant.

Cynthia: [o.s.] How could you do that to me?
Malcolm: You were on fire. I was just trying to help.
Cynthia: [o.s.] How does yelling, "Oh, my God, where did those come from?" help?
Malcolm: I'm sorry! It's just, you scared me. They scared me. I mean, they don't scare me, they startled me...
Cynthia: I hate this! Everyone looks at me like you did, like I'm some kind of freak.
Malcolm: I was surprised, that's all. It's just really different. I mean, I would react the same way if you had a new haircut. [to camera] A giant haircut!

Dabney: Guess what? I just got back from the doctor. My spine is curved!
Lloyd: How bad?
Dabney: No gym for two years.
Lloyd: This is brilliant! I wonder if my third nipple can get me out of wrestling.
Dabney: It's worth a try.

Cynthia: Malcolm, can you ask your lemmings to move the herd an inch to the left so I could get past?
Dabney: I'm sorry, did you say inch? Don't you mean 2.54 centimetres or 0.254 decimetres, or 25.4 million nanometres?
Malcolm: Come on, guys, stop teasing her. You stink at it.
Dabney: Don't defend her, Malcolm. If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my oboe teacher.
Stevie: She's... dead... to us.

Malcolm: Hey. Are you OK?
Cynthia: What are you talking about? What do you mean?
Malcolm: Well, you've been acting kinda strange lately.
Cynthia: Malcolm, look around you and reconsider your definition of strange.
[Lloyd is measuring the curvature of Dabney's spine]
Malcolm: Fair enough.

Hal: Doesn't Dewey ever have homework? He seems to have an awful lot of time on his hands.